The Fruits/Flowers Anniversary

Happy Birthday!!!! Today is the four year anniversary of when I started this blog. I've watched it grow from an inexpensive blogspot blog to a Squarespace website that costs me $96 a year. I wouldn't change anything if I had to do it all over again.

I expect to be inundated by fruits and flowers in the mail this week. And I get that it is a little more modern to send appliances these days. So, if instead of lemons, you send me a lemon juicer, then I totally understand the sentiment. And if instead of roses, you send me a rose juicer, then the thought and effort really shine through. Also, what's a rose juicer? 

Anyway,  some things on here are new. The Tour Dates page is up and running and being updated weekly. I made a Books tab and put up my book that I wrote about being an architecture student. Check it out. The Podcasts tab has one more episode of Mono a Monotone than it did last year. My once a year drop schedule is working perfectly. Everything is coming together. 

Speaking of fruits, what's the biggest fruit you can think of? No, not who's the biggest fruit you can think of; I don't need Andy Cohen writing me letters. The biggest fruit I can think of is The Big Apple. What does The Big Apple have to do with anything? Well, as it turns out, I'm moving there this week! That's right, as Taylor Swift so beautifully says, "Welcome to New York!"

After a long and frustrating year and a half out of school, I've accepted a position in the big city of New York. I start next Monday and I'm really excited. Nothing will change on here, except that my posts will be louder and more forceful. And they will probably be more about subway rats than anything else. Look for it, as part of my "Rats of New York" series. So everything will change, actually. But hey, that's half of the fun! (The other half of the fun is you reading this.)

Thank you all for following me this long. It really means a lot. Here's to many more years. Let's go!!

Hallo"what?"

Halloween is quickly approaching, like a really fast ghost. And you've probably already figured out what you are going to be. If you haven't, there is still time, I think. I don't know. They said today that meat gives you cancer, so if that's the case, we'll all be dead within the hour. Plan quickly!

I have a confession to make. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, but I just don't really get that into Halloween. My version of a fun Halloween is to carve a pumpkin, roast the seeds, and eat them while watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I just don't know any other way to do it. Don't worry, I've been to parties, but I usually show up in no costume or a costume that was thrown together last minute, like that time I tied a balloon to my wrist brace and went as a "cast party." Clever wordplay doesn't really get a big reaction; a sexy walrus does.

Have a safe and happy Halloween. Do it better than me, please. If you read the above paragraph, that shouldn't be too hard. Just celebrate it in any way. At all.

Big announcement coming next week. Be on the lookout for it. All good, I think. Oh, and here's a throwback, sort of. It's a joke I wrote about Halloween. I like it.

"Last Halloween, I dressed up as a ghost. I bought the full costume off of Amazon. It came with the white garb, gloves, and a mask. And I wore everything, excpet for the mask. Because there is a fine line between ghost and Ku Klux Klan member. You know, between Casper... and Jasper. Between spectre... and burning cross erector. Between spook... and no spooks. There's a fine line."

Maybe I'll Write Something

I am always thinking of ideas for a new book. Maybe you knew that, maybe you didn't. Either way, it's true. And what I want to do today is show you a beginning that I have to a story I might or might not follow through with.

First, a little bit about the idea. Last weekend, something kind of bad happened to me. Don't worry, I'm fine. But you know that iPod that I always walk around with and play games on and listen to? It was stolen. I know, right? And I miss it a lot. But, that got me thinking about stealing things. And maybe trying to stop things from being stolen. So here is the prologue and a little bit of the first chapter. Let me know if it's good.

Prologue

Life's kind of funny. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it throws you for a loop. It takes you from your highest point of understanding and bottoms you out at the lowest point, sometimes in a matter of seconds. That's where I am now. I shouldn't have done it. That's painfully obvious. But, at the time, it seemed like a good idea. I thought I knew what I was doing. I had it all planned out. All I had to do was beat him to the punch. I'd get to it before he did, take it, and fix this whole mess. I never considered these consequences. I mean, hindsight's always 20/20, but I feel like I'm smarter than this. To be in this kind of a mess; This is torture. I can't trust anyone, not even myself. What the hell am I going to do?

Chapter 1

Today

I don't feel like getting up today. I wonder how long I can get away with staying in bed? Probably at least until mom wakes up and wonders why I'm not at school. She'd say "Steven, get your lazy ass to school, learn something other than what your ceiling looks like." And I'd say "Quiz me on my ceiling so I can feel like I'm the smartest guy in this room." And she'd say "Steven, I'm counting to three," and I'd say "Go ahead and count." And she'd say "One..." And I'd say "Sorry, sorry, I'll get up."

P.S. I have an improv show tomorrow in Manayunk. Come see it if you're around. It's at the Grape Room. 8:00 p.m. Check my 'Tour Dates' page. 

The Sketch Show That Was...

This past Thursday and Friday, I had my very own sketch show that I mostly wrote, directed, and acted in (mostly applies to all three). It was a real dream come true for me to have a show that I could call my own produced and put up on a stage. I asked some extremely talented friends of mine to help out with it, and even though we did a couple of things at the last minute, it all came together in a product that I am really proud of. I just wish you all could have been there to see it. 

The audience was... how should I put it?... thinner than an anorexic toothpick. Guys, you are all missing your chance. Don't you see? Now is the time to come see me, before the tickets gets expensive and I charge you full price. Come see me before nobody knows who I am. Is that too much to ask? No, it isn't. 

Now, all you have to do is sacrifice like 1 hour out your busy day, instead of the hour and half once I'm famous and doing a longer show. You have that to spare. Think of it as taking a fun little break from your mundane life. Is that too much to ask? No, it isn't. 

What would be too much to ask, I ask you? Nothing that I can think of. So, please, come fill in the audience. You never know when you won't be able to. Also, performers feed off of crowds and it there is now crowd, then we are just doing it for the love of the game. That's not as satisfying or ego boosting. I need the ego boost. See you at the next show!

Speak "Not-so" Easy

Dear Comedy,

I am writing you a formal apology. No, no, let me finish. I attempted to do you on Friday night, but alas, I failed, hard. Normally, doing something hard is a good idea, so I'm just as confused as you are. 

Now, I've done monologues before, not unlike this one, but Friday night was rough. It's not that it wasn't funny. I thought it was. It's just that I felt unprepared. I was worried about the words and I forgot to commit to the acting. Also, I forgot the words. 

Aww, man! Those words. I just didn't know them. I read them over and over all day, but when I got out in front of the audience, I didn't know them. Luckily, I had them with me, so when I pulled the paper out, it looked tacky in a prepared way.

Listen, I'm sorry again. I'll try harder next time. I'm still learning how you work. Give me a break. Please?

Yours truly,

Charlie

P.S. I will be redeeming myself this Thursday and Friday, during my sketch show at the Philly Improv Theater at 9:00 pm. So you can rest easy, old friend.

Segue Monday

This week has been kind of low key. I stayed home because I'm Jewish and don't believe in the Pope. But I think a lot of people saw him and feel closer to whatever is inside of the inevitable darkness that awaits us. Whoa! That's pretty heavy stuff. I sounded like a poet with big dreams.

Speaking of dreams, I've had some weird dreams the past couple of nights. Two nights prior, I dreamed that I was very good at improv. Everything that I did was perfect. I listened and responded well. Last night, conversely, I had a dream that I was very bad at stand up. I forgot all of my jokes. But I did ad lib the line "life, liberty, and the pursuit of your mom," so it wasn't a total waste. And in real life, like in my dream, I was sweating pretty heavily at the end of it.

Speaking of salty water, NASA says they may have found evidence of water on Mars. Mars is a cold planet (And they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, wait till you get older.) that everyone hopes contains life for some reason. Is something else out there? Who knows. I think we need a little more information for Martian life than some briny erosion on Mars.

Speaking of Martian life, the movie The Martian comes out this Friday. It's going to be awesome, just like the book of the same name. If you haven't read Andy Weir's book, do yourself a favor and read it. I teared up at the trailer, so maybe don't go by me. Make a decision for yourself.

Speaking of making a decision for yourself, I'm doing a monologue this Friday at the Philly Improv Theater, and you should decide to come see it. That's all I have this week. Have a good one!

This is it, the aPOPEcalypse!

Well, folks, he's coming. The Papal invasion begins in about 3 days. The city is going to close it's doors to the public. But just remember, when God closes one door, he opens a window somewhere and shoves the Pope in through it. Never has something so hard to figure out happened to Philadelphia since the 2015 Eagles season. If you're leaving the city, get out now. If you're staying in the city, get out now. I don't know of any other word to describe this whole visitation process besides the word (and here's where this blogs really earns it R-rating) clusterf**k. First, you need a ticket. Then you need a special pass. Now the Pope is only speaking Spanish. So, I guess he's not stopping at Geno's. Ooh, zinger!! Spanish to English dictionaries are going to fly off of the shelves in the next few days. You know it's going to just be millions of people each flipping madly through their dictionaries like "Shoot! Ok, what does the word 'Jesús' mean? He keeps using it a lot." 

My only piece of advice is to do what makes you feel safe and comfortable. Odds are, going outside will be the opposite of that. Stay in and use this weekend to catch up on TV or get household chores done. That way, when people ask what you did when the Pope came in, you can tell them that you finished your basement and painted your living room while watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and then launch in to an interesting monoglue about the experience of being locked away due to religious beliefs. Buts that's only a suggestion (wink!). I don't live in the city, so I'm staying away this week. It's going to be hectic and way too Christian for me, like the mall on Black Friday. But a lot of people are going to turn out and try to glimpse the Pope from two miles away. And that takes real dedication. So whatever you do this week, show it real dedication. That includes you, Pope!! Yeah, I just called out the Pope. So what? I'm Jewish. He can't touch me. I don't care. Humph!!!

Stay safe, and see you next week!!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

What a week, people! Let's get right into it. On Thursday, I had the option of spending a rainy day at home, or spending a rainy day in New York being an extra in a movie for no money. So naturally, I got a lot of housework done and cleaned up my room. Nah, just kidding! I hopped aboard some trains and headed for the East Village. That's where Mike Birbiglia, the famous comedian/actor/director, was filming his new movie Don't Think Twice. How did I get this opportunity? I asked, plain and simple. I didn't think twice about it either. I met all of my friends (yes, I have those now) and the seven of us proceeded to try and be extras in the film. The film is about an improv team and what happens behind the scenes when they are faced with hard times. It's a neat idea and deserves to be shared with the world. 

When we got there, we checked in, made sure our wardrobe was acceptable, sat down, and waited. Then, we waited. After that, we waited some more. That's showbiz for ya! (That's my new catchphrase. I'm trying it out.) Finally, after about 5 hours of waiting and two scoops of ice cream, they told us it was time to film the scene. Then, we all walked single file from the holding area to the set like a fourth grade class on a field trip to a museum.

The set was small. The camera adds ten feet. That's showbiz for ya! We all packed into the makeshift improv theater that they had set up, complete with a man a playing an organ off to the side, which seemed unnecessary. That's showbiz for ya! Then, we all got to watch Keegan-Michael Key and Gillian Jacobs perform a scripted improv scene together, while Mike Birbiglia directed from off to the side. It was like something out of the... well, out of the movies. I was thrilled to be there. Plus, the guy holding the camera was wearing the same shoes as me, so I felt like I did something right. 

If/when the movie comes out, you will probably see me in the audience. I'm down front. You can't miss me. If they use the shots of me, though, then I'll be famous. I'll have my very own IMDB page with one credit on it. That actually sounds kind of sad. But hey, that's showbiz for ya!

And also, last night was the 3rd Annual Oddball Comedy festival in beautiful Camden. Oddball Fest blew the roof off of the Susquehanna Bank Center, which fit right in with all of the other buildings missing roofs because Camden. You get to sit there and watch comedian after comedian come out and slay the audience. It was impressive and awe inspiring. I want to do it. New life goal! See ya next week!!

Work Hard, Play Hard

Let's continue with the whole schooling theme that I established last week. Now this is my story (all about about how my life got flip turned upside down) about an epiphany I may have had last week.

When I was in 9th grade, I had my English teacher sign my yearbook, along with all of my other teachers, partly because I liked my teachers, and partly because the other students wouldn't sign my yearbook. I've got pages to fill, people! She wrote a message to both me and my brother. For my brother, she wrote something to the effect of "Have a good summer. Please come back and visit anytime." He was in a different class with like 6 students, and I always felt she liked him more. For me, she wrote "Always remember to balance work and play." Naturally, if you know me at all, I took this as a huge insult because she wasn't as cheery towards me as she was to him, and I have had a slight grudge about it ever since. I have a drawer full of grudges, and it's sitting on top of the pile.

Last week, I was talking with my family, and I brought it up, as I do from time to time, to joke about it in self-deprecating conversation. But while I was talking, I realized, for the first time, that maybe she was trying to give me some of the best advice that I could have been given at the time, a time when I took myself and my work so seriously. What?!?!?!

What I may have realized is that she was telling me to play more and not be so uptight about work. You know, work hard, play hard, as the kids say. Now, I couldn't agree more with her because I want to make playing my work. But then, I saw it as an insult. Not the biggest insult written in my yearbook, but definitely, you know, in the top five.

Part of me wants to apologize to her, but she doesn't know I have a grudge, so that wouldn't do any good. Part of me wants to ask her what she meant, but I don't know if she would remember. It probably doesn't keep her up at night like it keeps me up at night.

I guess the moral of the story is to realize when you are being given good advice and when you are being insulted. And also make friends so your yearbook isn't as empty as mine. Sign my yearbook, please!!!

Stay in School, Kids!!

Today is the first day of school for most kids and adults. Everyone tells you to go to school. "Learn something, stupid! Soak up some knowledge." Then, you graduate from high school and you have to go to college. "Oh, no one will care about you if you don't go to college," they say. Then you graduate from college and everyone says "Congratulations on finally finishing schooling! Now that you're done, go back to school and get a Ph.D, masters, or something." And so you do that too. And you're one million dollars in debt by this point. And then you say "Now what?" And they tell you to find a good job to pay back all of the money you owe. And you say "Ok, alright." Because you don't know much. Well, you know a lot, remember all that schooling? But you don't know what's out there. What's life like? What's a good job? Where do I get one of those? You don't know. And so you find yourself stuck, right where you are, frozen in place, like Gotham City in the movie Batman and Robin. The moral of this story is to be your own masked vigilante. Save yourself. Just no guns. That's the one rule.

If you're looking to watch me save myself, I'm doing sketch comedy this week at a show called Hey We're Cool. It's at L'Etage in Philadelphia. You should look it up and come check it out. It will be really funny. See ya there!