Books, Books, and All Things Books!

As some of you know, I am an avid reader. It kind of comes with the territory of people who like to write and who say stuff like "comes with the territory." Anyway, I've read so many autobiographies/memoirs of different comedians (#humblebrag) and thought for a brief moment that I could do it too. So, when I was an architecture student four years ago, I wrote a small book about my time there. I will work on getting it on to this website in the hopes that some people will read it, want to edit it, or want to publish it. It would be so cool if someone could get me in contact with a publisher (hint hint). If not, well, then, its out there, on the interwebs, in cyberspace for all of eternity. And that's pretty cool too. 

It's my goal to write for a medium that everybody will see eventually and this puts me one step closer. One small step for me, one giant leap for me again when I get famous.

Give Me a Break!!!

This week, I'm taking a much needed vacation. I'm taking some me time. It'll be good to get out and clear my head and reevaluate my life. This will be the second time that I have gone to the beach this summer, one where I'll get to use my new sandals. It's been a very busy summer at home and I need a time out (does Zach Morris's Time Out motion from the 90's TV classic "Saved by the Bell"). I just can't take it anymore, or as the kids say today, I can't even.

But this isn't one of those posts where I say I have nothing to say and I've that I've gone fishing. I mean, I will be going fishing at some point on this trip, but that's neither here nor there. (Correction: we tried to go fishing tonight but the pier is closed due to it being unsafe.) My point is that you might not be able to reach me for a week because I'm rocking back and forth on an unsafe pier. That or I'm playing golf. One or the other. 

Have a good week. Take a little time to smile and call yourself out on something stupid that you did. Then tell me about it so I can laugh at you too. :)

Always Be Sleeping

I was dead tired yesterday. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to donate two hours of my time from 6 a.m to 8 a.m. Then, I worked from 1:00 p.m to 6:00 p.m. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, I'm just saying I could've been sleeping. 

I know what you're thinking. "This is just gonna be another post where Charlie says he doesn't have anything this week and tells us he's tired." Wrong! Let's talk about sleep.

I need it!  If I don't get it, I'm a monster in the morning. I need a solid six hours of good sleep, like deep REM cycle stuff. None of this U2 business. I mean, it takes a lot to look this good. It's not as effortless as I make it seem. *wink*

Almost everything that I say can be followed by the words "but I could have been sleeping." It's that important to me. I value my time asleep as much as I value my time awake. A good night's sleep is the reason that I'm a civil engineer and not an architect. I just couldn't sleep on a cold concrete floor using my backpack as a pillow. This post is a day late because  I actually fell asleep in the middle of writing it. That's not an excuse, it's the truth. 

What I'm trying to say is that I apologize, but I was asleep. (That's what she said!) I slept for 12 hours and I feel great today. And on a rainy Tuesday, what could be better? I can't think of anything. 

The Frugality Examination

Well folks, it's August. I can't believe it. August snuck up on me like Bill Cosby at a bar, and by that I mean on August first I woke up drunk and with the feeling like something was wrong. That's when I looked at my wallet, and saw that the money pocket was empty. Don't worry. I wasn't robbed. I did it myself. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

I worried yesterday about writing two "money" posts in a row. But since I haven't won the lottery yet, it doesn't look tacky to do so. Also, I can do what I want. It's whatever. Get off my back! This time, though, it's not about having all of the money, it's about having very little.

Webster's Dictionary defines frugal as being "careful about spending money or using things when you do not need to." This is where I find myself this week, wanting to live as frugally as possible, because I have no clue what the future holds. To me, frugality is what you get when you combine self restraint with unemployment. Remember, frugality is 99% perspiration and 1% that awful feeling of worry about how you will pay all of the bills.

Now to be fair, I've always been a little frugal. I'm Jewish after all. I mean, I call change I find on the ground 'supplemental income.' It's second nature, like the urge to lift people up in chairs when happy music plays. But that doesn't mean I can't increase my frugality every now and again. I've started coupon hunting, looking above and below for anything that can help me save money. You know those surveys at the end of receipts that you look at before you throw out the receipts? I do those now. This is what I mean. I'm not quite at extreme couponing levels, but I'm getting close. 

It's all about living within your means. If you can't afford a car, don't buy one. Take public transportation and bum rides off of your friends and family until they get annoyed by you. It's really that simple.

Look. I think that the reason that I am so into money right now is because I started reading a book about behavioral economics. That's most likely the reason. It's fascinating stuff. So, like the great Sean Paul of Youngbloodz says "Got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind." But always remember, like the great Notorious B.I.G. says, "Mo money, mo problems."

If I Should Win the Lottery

If I should win the lottery,
I’d beat up a random man,
Then pay all of his medical bills
Just because I can.

I’d apply to every job,
And the ones I’d get I’d quit,
Because I wouldn’t need the money
So I wouldn’t give a shit.

I’d buy every scratch off ticket
And win the lottery again,
Because I’m super greedy,
And don’t know how to “say when.”

I’d go and find a hooker
And ask her to be my bride,
Then say I’d met her at a synagogue
But secretly know that I lied.

I’d fake my own death
And pay the doctors to keep silent,
Then show up at my own funeral
And make things get very violent.

I’d get full body plastic surgery
To fix every single imperfection,
Then commit a bunch of crimes
And beat the police’s facial detection.

I’d buy a private island
And fill myself with rage
To impersonate my favorite celebrity,
The incomparable Nicholas Cage.

And of course I’d donate some
To a deserving charity,
A charity that I like to call
The bank account of me.

Psych! I wouldn’t give any away
Because the money would be all mine,
And then I’d pretend to be a bum
And ask “Can you spare a dime?”

But that’s if I win the lottery,
Something that I will never do,
So this poem is pointless,
As pointless as me and you.

 

P.S. You can see me perform this week. A while back, I wrote a monologue on here about Charlie Bucket being all grown up.  I am performing that monologue on Thursday, July 30, at 7:30 P.M. at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Check it out!!

Ruffin' It

Contrary to what Florence Welch may expertly sing to you, the dog days are not over. They're here, right now. Fun Fact: They call them the dog days of summer because this is the time of the year when the movie industry annually releases a new Beethoven the dog movie. This year it's Beethoven: Paws for Laughs, wherein Beethoven tries improv comedy. It actually gets pretty good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes at 67%. It's also the time of the year when everything slows down. The hot sluggish air rolls into the area and sticks around for days, like a bad roommate. People decide to escape the madness and go on vacation. Side note: Vacations are only fun if you're on them. It's torture to have to listen to someone tell you about their vacation. Actually, the FBI uses that as an interrogation technique. It goes waterboarding, electric shock collar, white woman telling you about her cruise through the Mediterranean. But I can't say anymore about that, because if I do, I'll have to kill you. And I don't want to kill you, because I can't afford to lose the view count. See? You matter to me. 

What I'm trying to say is that it's a rough time to be working outside, because it's hot and muggy, and a rough time to be working inside, because you wish you were outside laying at the beach. Catch 22. But cheer up. These days won't last forever, you global warming fanatic. Have some faith. Fall will bring some cool temperatures, red and brown leaves, and more stable outdoor work. Stay cool out there this week. Drink water. If you're not going to the bathroom a lot, then you aren't drinking enough water. Also, you're probably not diabetic, as that is a tell tale sign. So you're healthy but too hot. Or you're hot but not too healthy. Either way, I'm going to watch the new Beethoven movie. I hear it will have you "barking with laughter."

Monoblogue

Last month, Ireland became the first nation to officially legalize gay marriage. I, for one, am shocked. Who knew that a nation full of people who believe in rainbows and little hairy men would be so progressive?

A bagel store owner in Colorado created cannabis infused smoked salmon as part of the unofficial stoner holiday of 420, giving a whole new meaning to the term "High Holidays."

A woman in Toledo, Ohio reportedly went blind after being licked by her cat, catching a bacteria known as "Cat scratch." She's told reporters that she doesn't want to talk about the incident, so I guess the cat's got her tongue, too.

Cuba was officially removed from the U.S. terror blacklist, and the U.S. plans for a full renewal of diplomatic ties. Barack Obama evens plans to make Cuba the 51st state, affectionately calling it Florida 2. 

Researchers have discovered that the whole "I'm bad with names" thing is a real condition, citing that "names are meaningless and don't establish much of a memory pathway by themselves." For more on that story, please contact... Oh crap! What's her name?... Oh. Hold on. It'll come to me. Ugh, I'm bad with names, sorry. Shit!!

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will reportedly not return to reprise their starring role of Michelle in Netflix's sequel reboot of Full House, entitled Fuller House. The rest of the cast is very disappointed. When questioned, Stephanie said "How rude!" Uncle Joey said "Come on, now 'Cut them out.'" And Uncle Jesse said "Have mercy!" and launched into a guitar solo that I believe is still going on.

Robert De Niro gave the commencement speech at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts and told the recent grads "You made it - and, you're fucked." They all responded in unison "You talkin' to me?"

The Supreme Court Ruled that Facebook rants are not considered a crime, only a misdemeanor, punishable by an unfriending and a long comment about how Jesus still loves you.

Well, it's finally done. Bruce Jenner successfully transitioned into a woman and looks pretty damn good. She even has her own new reality show, appropriately called "TransJenner."

An official reported that dozens of venomous creatures washed up along the Surf City beach on Long Beach Island in early July. These creatures were identified by their scientific name: Guidos. 

The Supreme Vourt ruled in favor of Gay Marriage, in an historic landslide vote of 5-4. I say landslide, not referring to the number of supporters, but to the loudest and most flamboyant way a vote can happen. 

A 22 year old man died instantly after setting off a firework on the top of his head. Relatives said "He always knew how to light up a room." 

We're Moving Out

Char-li-hee works at the country club course

Savin’ his twenties for some day

Mama and Dada got a brand new red door

And said "Charlie move out by this Friday”

Ah but selling your house can give you

A heart attack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack

You ought-a move right now

Who needs a house out in Limerick?

It costs all of us too much money.

 

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

 

Charlie gets weary walking on his feet

At night he becomes an improviser

He plays with Philly performers

Down on the Sansom Street

Across from the comedy center

And he's honing all of his skills for

A funny act act act act act act

You ought-a move by now

If he can't move in with his brother

At least he can joke with performers

 

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

 

You should never live at home and lose your mi mi mi mi mi mind

You ought-a move by now

You can pay Uncle Sam when you have the time

It costs all of us too much money.

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

 

Look, Ma! I'm on T.V.!

I know what you are all thinking. "Gee willickers! I really want to see you on national television, Charlie." Well, fine reader, this is the week to see your wildest dreams come true. I have two chances to be on T.V. this week. That's right, two! Dos! Double trouble! 

The first is right now, depending on when you are reading this. Jimmy Kimmel does a Wall of America segment on his late night talk show, wherein he basically Skype's with "civilians," or non-celebrities. Now, I'm pretty much a real celebrity, but today, if they use it, I might be on that wall pretending to be a civilian at 11:35 pm EST on Monday, June 22nd on ABC (Check your local listings). He might talk to me. I don't know, I'm not him (but I'd like to be). Hopefully, I don't turn into the "Apparently Kid," because that would be embarrassing. But then again, it may get me on Ellen. So who knows?

The second chance comes this upcoming Sunday through next Wednesday. As we all know, I'm a caddie. This week I get to pretend that I'm a caddie on the PGA tour, as I will be working in the 48th PGA PNC, or the professional national championship. Club professionals come from all over the country come to compete for a spot on the tour. That will be on the Golf Channel. Look for me; I'll be dressed like everybody else. I'll be wearing a black bib, white shirt, and tan shorts caddying for a Mr. Hudson. I won't have any speaking lines, but I may shoot the camera a grin or a quick nod. Because the camera loves me and I love it. Let's just make sure they get my good side, the right side. That much needs to happen. After that, it's  all a toss up. Sorry, I have to go now.

Lights! Camera! Action! 

UPDATE: I will not be on TV Monday night. They decided not to use the wall. :( This is a real thing, however, and I will let you know if I am ever on it.