Today is my birthday! Please, hold your applause. I can't hear it. What I'd like to do is help you out. I'm willing to bet that you've had a couple of birthdays in your time, too. $50, take it or leave it. This isn't the helping you part. Sorry, I'm a gambler. Anyway, here is my help. I would like to break down the different birthday wishes that one receives on the ever-consuming app of Facebook.

Remember Facebook? You got here from there. This is a breakdown of your (and my) friends' wishes and what they really mean:

Happy Birthday - This is the one that I call plain and simple. It says "Hey, I know you, and I like you just fine." It's comforting.

Happy Birthday! - Ah, here we go. An exclamation point is key in a good birthday message. The more exclamation points that there are, the more excited you are to see one another and wish them a Happy Birthday. But don't overdo it. This one conveys that "You and I are close, and we always have a time when we see each other."

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!! - This one overdoes it. It might as well say "I was high and saw your name on Facebook. Lol." Totally disrespectful.

happy birthday - This one is getting into the business of becoming informal. It says "Listen, Facebook told me that you were born today, but I wouldn't have cared otherwise."

Happy Happy Birthday! - As if doubling down on the word happy makes the day better, this person wants nothing but the best for you and to let you know that, at 12:01 A.M., they are still up, always fun, and he first one to post on your timeline. "We still down to rent a party limo?" It screams.

Happy Birthday! Hope you had a good day! - A desperate cry for attention, this person wants to make it publicly known that they are wishing you a happy birthday, as they try to reconnect with you after not speaking to you for four years. It basically reads as "Remember high school or college?" It's only a little pathetic.

Happy bday - I mean, why would you even? Is there a worse, less thought out message than this? If there is, I don't want to read it. This should always be followed by "How do we know each other?"

Hope all of this helps when you have a birthday. If not, I don't know what to say. I'm trying here. Let me know how it goes.