I know it's not possible, and correct me if I wrong, but are my feet shrinking? Be straight with me. I must know. Are they? Because every time I go to the shoe store, it seems as though the last size was too big. I know different shoes run "big" or "small," but what gives? Do I have some weird foot disease where my feet shrink proportionally to the growth of my body? In other words, do I grow and they shrink at the same rate? Like air flowing from one side of a balloon to the other? All I'm aware of is a small amount of athlete's foot and bunyan so big that it would give Paul a run for his money. That's it! Please, I need to know. I can't keep guessing.

And you're probably thinking "Oh small feet means small..." And yes, you're right. All of my socks are way too big. I can fit two feet in them for crying out loud. It's insane. You can't just buy one sock at the store either. They are sold in pairs, as if to say "Hey Charlie, we know you just need one, but here's two, cause you're weird." I don't like it. I even asked the shoe store attendant if I was walking wrong. She said "No" and the changes her mind to "Yes" when she saw me start hopping.

The point is are all my clothes that I wear too big on me, right/left down to my shoes? The answer seems like "yes" but I can't hear any of you because technically you're not real. All I can do is dunk my feet in hot water and hope they expand. Wish me luck! Actually, I don't need your luck because I always carry my lucky rabbit's foot with me, both as a good luck charm and a model of what size I aspire for my feet to grow to. So that's where my luck will come from. And it's a good thing too, because I have a feeling that this will be no easy feat...