Life's a Pitch

Do you know what I just did? I did something that I'm guessing none of you has done. I pitched a TV show to NBC as part of their Comedy Playground campaign. From May 1st through June 30th, any random screw-up (that's me) could pitch a TV show to NBC. I went with an idea about caddying, something that I have been doing a lot and am always happy to make fun of. There is a large cast of characters who will wait and wait and wait to caddy, while they get to know each other along the way. I'm excited and nervous about it. I'll either hear back from them, or I won't, but I'm glad that I did it. It was definitely an experience. I would love to write a TV show. That's one of my life goals. That and getting on a game show. Oooh! Maybe I can write a TV show about a game show. OK, I feel myself starting to ramble. Ahh! It's about all of the stage hands who work at Jeopardy. Then, one day, one of them finds out that he is a twin when someone who looks like him shows up. It'll be called "Double Jeopardy." I know, it's rough still. I'll work on it. 

¡Vamos a jugar el fútbol!

USA! USA! USA! USA! GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! VIVA LA AMERICA!

It's that time of the year again, people. It happens once every four years. No, it's not a leap day. It's more of a leap of faith day because of the betting. It's the time of year when everyone suddenly starts caring about soccer. Everyone is now an expert about the sport. Ask them. They'll tell you. I personally have a lot of respect for soccer. I appreciate any sport where you have time to sit down and tie your shoe, as well as go for the Golden Globe of the Sports Injuries category (I think that's what a yellow card is). Up until two weeks ago, most people thought a sweeper was a Mexican guy with a mop at a Chipotle. Imagine their surprise when they found out that it was a Mexican guy with a soccer ball.

Soccer is kind of amazing to watch, with its huge test of endurance and impressive ball handling skills. Speaking of endurance and ball handling, many women seem to be enamored by soccer players. You know, I played soccer when I was young, but stopped for the same reason everyone else did; I couldn't afford the oranges anymore. I'm rooting for the USA because I'm patriotic and all of the other good teams have lost. Don't worry, I'll be following it closely, or more closely than I have before, which is not at all.

Now, many people think soccer is boring. I have a solution to that problem. Let's take the ball and squish it into a prolate spheroid. Let's give all of the players pads and helmets. Instead of just using feet, let's allow people to use hands. Let's call a lot penalties and stop the clock often. Oh no! Wait! That's football. Sorry.

5 to 9

I believe that everyone figures out what they want to be in life between ages 5 and 9, specifically about age 7. It's weird how it happens, but it just does. So you might say that, from 5 to 9, we all know what we want to do from 9 to 5. Ha ha, you're very clever. That's funny. But go ahead, ask a 7 year old what they want to do with their life. If you can get them to focus, they might actually tell you something realistic, aside from being a cowboy, an astronaut, or a trial lawyer. So you're asking me, "Charlie, at age 7 did you know you wanted to be a comedian?" Good question. No, I did not. I wanted to be a writer. I had ideas for stories and comics, but I couldn't get anything started. Or more appropriately finished. Over the years, I abandoned those ideas to fall back on my strengths, like math. I'm really good at math. You can count on it. And science. I know science write down to the molecule. And sucking up to teachers. They all adored me, and most still do. 

So now I've got a fancy degree from a fancy university. I couldn't be farther from writing if I was trapped on a desert island naked. Now, during college, I struggled a lot at first (one, two, many Hawaiian beers - keg beer chased with Hawaiian Punch), but as my liver devolved, my sense of humor evolved like a level 36 Charmeleon, cracking smart-as-a-whip, fiery hot jokes with a quick attack. And it was then that I realized what I could write. Comedy. And I liked it. A lot. It's very rewarding to have someone laugh at what you say or write. Some people want to change the world. I just want to make you forget about the world for a couple of seconds. You can either continue worrying, or you can view the world through my sarcastic, jaded, "I'm 22 but the world owes me a Cadillac" persona that you've come to know and love. I'm just here to be silly, have fun, and be happy, no matter how cliche that sounds. Because life is short. Our time is borrowed, like a loan. And you can take those two things to the bank.

I'm Wet

I'm wet!! And not in the "good way." I happened to be outside today when I nearly drowned (on land). I have to imagine this is what bugs feel like when it rains. Just being covered, head to thorax, in water. I mean, it was so much water that I thought I was being Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher. I almost asked where the camera men were. It's too much water when my underwear is soaking wet. And it's also too much information. I stepped through a puddle that was so big it covered my shoes completely. I couldn't see my feet. I aced the wet t-shirt contest. (I also won the wet socks, wet shoes, wet shorts, wet underwear, wet wallet, and wet skin contest) My out-of--shape torso was outlined perfectly, or at least as well as an out-of-shape torso can be outlined. To make a long story short, everything was wet. But, I'm alive. To quote one of my favorite movies, Jumanji: "Well,a little rain never hurt anybody." "Yeah, but a lot can kill you!"

10 Tips for 18 Holes

It's practically summer outside. With that, comes the many tiresome rounds of golf on the golf course. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not. But I know how to make it fun 100% of the time. If you find yourself out there this summer, remember to adhere to these 18 tips.

1. Any putt is straight if you hit it hard enough.

2. The wind affects the ball a little, but it has more to do with how well you hit it.

3. If you come home with sand in your shoes, you're doing it wrong.

4. It doesn't matter how you get the ball to the hole; pictures don't go on the scorecard.

5. If it's raining, and the club goes farther than the golf ball, it might be time to call it a day.

6. Rangefinders shoot lasers to the flag stick; they are VERY accurate!!!

7. Five hours is more than enough time to play golf.

8. Slicing is a thing that chefs and doctors do; golfers should hit the ball straight.

9. Keep your eye on the ball. The trees can sneak up pretty quickly on you.

10 Golf + alcohol ≠ fun. Golf + alcohol = annoying.

The "F*%# It" List

Just because it's the summer (almost) doesn't mean that I'm stopping writing anytime soon. In fact, I'm back to list making. I wrote my bucket list, on which I have the item "to buy buckets from Home Depot," which is weird, and I thought of a new list to make. This is a list that everyone needs to have in their back pocket. Now, pardon my French, but it's called "Le F$&@ It List." You know what it is, right? It's that list where you put certain things that happen instead of what you wanted to happen, but where the result isn't terrible. So, for example, let's say you're driving and the road is closed ahead, so you take a detour and have to pass by a Nike outlet where everything is on sale. Now you're like "Well, f*#% it! This is happening." And you drive away with three shirts for the price of two.

That's on the list.

Or something like when you go to a restaurant and it's closed because it's 1:00 in the morning, and the only thing open is McDonald's down the road. So you eat at McDonald's. You're like "Well f*#% it! I wanted a hotdog, but I guess I'm eating a Big Mac."

We all have experiences like this. I'm just the only one smart enough to figure out the list for them. I'm not gonna show you my list. I want you to make one for yourself. I'm just merely giving you the starting point. It's called "The F*#% It List," and it contains items like that time when you were a prospective student looking for a differential equations class at college, but ended up sitting in on a screenwriting class for fifteen minutes before announcing abruptly that you were in the wrong place and causing a commotion as you left. That definitely goes on there. So there's your first one. Now go fill in the list. 

P.S. Why not write down that time that you weren't going to make a list on a Monday night but then this random, hilarious blog made it sound so appealing that you were inspired to write one? And you were like "Well f*#% it, I guess I'm doing this now." That would definitely be an item on the list. 

2048: The Movie

The following is the beat sheet for 2048: The Movie, a movie based on the popular online computer game 2048, of which you are the main character.

What's a beat sheet, you ask? Well, every time that you've heard an apathetic teenager say the words "Last night, I was beating it out in the sheets for like and hour and half," it turns out that he was talking about writing his screenplay in bed. Because that's what a beat sheet does. It gets the plot and structure of a film out onto paper. It'll be more clear as it goes on. If you want to learn more about it, go to the following link: 

http://timstout.wordpress.com/story-structure/blake-snyders-beat-sheet/

Opening Image: A 4 x 4 grid appears on the computer screen, with a 2 in coordinates (3,3) and (4,2).

Set-Up: 2048 is played by using the up, down, left, and right arrow keys to combine 2's together to make 4's, 4's together to make 8's, 8's together to make 16's, and so on until you reach the number 2048. All blocks move together when controlled by the keys, adding a degree of difficulty to the game.

Theme Stated: A couple minutes into the game, you accidentally end up with a "2" in the wrong place, at which point you nearly throw your computer out of the window. Overcoming obstacles takes perseverance. 

Catalyst: The board fills with numbers, and you see the words "Try Again" appear. Never again will you accept the embarrassing failure of wasting time inefficiently. 

Debate: But change is scary and for a moment, or a brief number of moments, the main character doubts the journey they must take. Can I face this challenge? Do I have what it takes? Should I go at all? It is the last chance for the hero to chicken out.

Break Into Two (Choosing Act Two): You choose to start again and the game begins. You've now left the old world behind and moved into a world of 2's.

B Story: You've created a 512 block that you are especially fond of. It is now your love interest. You'll do anything to protect it.

Fun and Games: This is the fun part of the movie. Numbers careen across the screen in each direction. Block values grow and grow as the game goes on. The game is entertaining and going great. 

Midpoint: A 1024 block sits in whatever corner you prefer to have it in (bottom right). The pieces are falling into place ever so easily, and you haven't blinked in minutes.

Bad Guys Close In: Your efforts so far have been great, but now you begin to fill the board up. A 32 sits between a 64 and a 128. You've messed up the order, but it still seems fixable.

All Is Lost: The board is nearly full. Your only 512 block could not be farther from the 1024 block. Then, the board fills completely. The words "Try Again" float up the game board, as if the game knows you and is giving you the finger. You're filled with anger. You finally blink, which at this point, stings worse than the fact that you've just wasted 15 minutes of your life. Your roommate walks past. You turn away from him/her to hide your tears.

Dark Night of the Soul: You stand up, but your legs feel like jello. You sulk into the bathroom and use the toilet. You splash water from the sink onto your face and stare into the mirror. You scream "Why hast thou forsaken me, Lord?" as you roommate walks past. He/she is now convinced that you've lost your mind.

Break Into Three (Choosing Act Three): Just then, you remember that it's only a game. "It's just a game!" you shout. "I am not dead!" You burst out of the bathroom, knocking your roommate's phone out of his/her hand, interrupting the call to the mental hospital. 

Finale: All it takes is a little perseverance. The third time's the charm. Your determination is unwavering as you toggle 2's, 4's, 8's, 16's, 32's, 64's, 128's, 256's, 512's, and 1024's around, with the skill of someone who has played the game before. Your 512 block is back; the love of your life has returned. 

Final Image: Two 1024 blocks sit next to each other. You press the key that brings them together, bonding the two blocks for life. A 2048 block appears, and the words "You Win!" rise on the yellow tinted screen. Redemption has been obtained. We see the "Keep Going" button be clicked as the screen fades to black.

The End

Gradu-waiting

This is it people. The Final Countdown. When we count down the hours to our last final or final project. Because for some of us, school's out for summer, and school's out forever, like Alice Cooper said on the titular track of his fifth album. Some of us are done and just waiting to graduate.

But when that happens, we go into the real world as real people. I'm scared of the real world. Not just because, as a television series, it won't die, but because I have nothing lined up in that prime time after-college spot in this huge TV channel line-up that we call life. What goes there? I feel like Nickelodeon trying to decide whether to play Full House or Friends. It'll probably end up being Full House, because I'm gonna be living with my parents in their basement (Joey Gladstone style).

See, college is so fun and exciting that you almost don't want to leave because life will never be this much fun again. I mean, it might be, but chances are that it won't. So I say "Challenge Accepted!!" I vow to make life after college ten times greater (I'll start at one and work my way up from there). Because we don't have to be sad it's over. We can be happy that something new is beginning. I can't wait to see all of the places that we will go. (Note: Do not buy me Oh, The Places You'll Go as a graduation gift. I already have five from that time I graduated high school.)

Actually, I do have a plan. I'm going to become a masked vigilante and fight crime, corruption and people who walk slowly while looking at their phones. Also, I'll secretly teach under privileged children the basic fundamentals of high school subjects like math, science, history, and social etiquette among cliques, or social eticlique. Obviously, my name will be Captain Gown, or Cap'n Gown, for short. So watch out world, cause I'll be lurking among the shadows. (The shadows is what I call my parent's house)

Cinco de Monday

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!! Time to grab some margaritas and tacos because it's like a Mexican Christmas out there, except Washington isn't crossing the Delaware; instead, Mexico's army is winning an unlikely victory over the French forces of Napoleon III. Same thing!!! You see, Mexico had trouble paying back war debts to European countries, and France came to collect the debts. Just like a Repo Man. I'm having fun picturing a Repo Man wearing a Beret, eating cheese, and drinking wine. That's a funny image. 

Tequila sales are at an all time high, and that's just from what I bought. Top shelf! The bottle has a rubber stopper in the top. Fancy, I know!! (It wasn't even on sale.) It's just that this is the most important holiday for Americans. We take our Mexican history very seriously. So have some fun today. This is one Monday that shouldn't be boring. After all, it's a national holiday. 

Just Another Magazine Monday

Magazines are my kryptonite. What I mean is do not come to me with a deal about buying a magazine. Because I will take it, no questions asked. I'm still getting architectural record. They sat us down freshman year and said "Here's your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy Architectural Record." I was astounded. I said "Wow, eighty-six bucks for for three years? What a steal!!" I'm still getting Architectural Record, and I dropped out of the architecture program three years ago. I guess that makes sense.

The same year, I received a phone call one day from a guy selling magazines. I don't remember the specific one. I believe it might have been a pleasant assortment of catalogs. I can't recall. That is how much my eyes glazed over and I succumbed to the zombie state that controls my brain when a magazine is present. I call it The Reading Dead. "Zines..... Zines......" So there I was on the phone. "Oh, so I'll get all of those magazines, plus a ring?... Cool!... My credit card number?... Umm, I have a visa.... You're right, it does start with a four!... Ok, its......." And I proceeded to give him credit card number. I then called my mom, to share the good news, and she promptly yelled at me and got on the phone with PNC to remove the one-thousand dollar charge applied. 

DO NOT OFFER ME MAGAZINES!!