USA! USA! USA! USA! GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! VIVA LA AMERICA!

It's that time of the year again, people. It happens once every four years. No, it's not a leap day. It's more of a leap of faith day because of the betting. It's the time of year when everyone suddenly starts caring about soccer. Everyone is now an expert about the sport. Ask them. They'll tell you. I personally have a lot of respect for soccer. I appreciate any sport where you have time to sit down and tie your shoe, as well as go for the Golden Globe of the Sports Injuries category (I think that's what a yellow card is). Up until two weeks ago, most people thought a sweeper was a Mexican guy with a mop at a Chipotle. Imagine their surprise when they found out that it was a Mexican guy with a soccer ball.

Soccer is kind of amazing to watch, with its huge test of endurance and impressive ball handling skills. Speaking of endurance and ball handling, many women seem to be enamored by soccer players. You know, I played soccer when I was young, but stopped for the same reason everyone else did; I couldn't afford the oranges anymore. I'm rooting for the USA because I'm patriotic and all of the other good teams have lost. Don't worry, I'll be following it closely, or more closely than I have before, which is not at all.

Now, many people think soccer is boring. I have a solution to that problem. Let's take the ball and squish it into a prolate spheroid. Let's give all of the players pads and helmets. Instead of just using feet, let's allow people to use hands. Let's call a lot penalties and stop the clock often. Oh no! Wait! That's football. Sorry.