Here's the Deal

Ok, here's the deal. Last Monday, as I was painting lambs blood over all of my doorways (note to self: horrible idea, now its permanently stuck like that, there goes my security deposit), I remembered that I had not written anything. "Godammit," I exclaimed. "Well, now I can't write anything cause it's Passover."

So, needless to say, I've been busy. The week slowly got away from me. There was so much to do that I almost forgot to sleep. Ok, ok, I forgot to sleep. Shut up. But let me clue you in on what I was working on. 

I've been filming a movie. Da Da Daaaa!!!!  It's a live-action short called Sandwi-"ch". It's a movie where I try to make a sandwich. It's a frame story, filled with love, loss, and condiments. And it's kosher!!! Starring Matzah as The Bread, Lettuce as The Everything in the Middle, and Matzah as The Bread (cameo). 

Come see it. You won't want to miss this incredible story. It'll have you saying, "4 minutes isn't enough time!!!"  Rated PG-13 (Passover Great)

From the Top!

I'm a director now, so I'm pretentious and everything is kind of whatever... whatever I tell someone to do. Listen to me or die trying! I want to instill fear so people still fear me even after this process is over. "No! Do it again, but this time, do it like you are a mad scientist from the 1920s." Direction!! That is what we all struggle with. Taking names and giving orders, for the benefit of the group. The benefit of the doubt goes to the actors, in that they are able to do what I want without question. "Do it like you have tentacles on your face!" Pause. What direction is this post going? If you notice, I ask questions when I don't know what to say. The direction is self explanatory because I am explaining myself. I feel myself beginning to ramble. Let me start over. From the top!!

10 Things Only The 5 People Who Have Read This Entire Blog Will Understand

1. The word "blogging" means something entirely different on here.

2. Puns are unavoidable. Or as I cal it, punavoidable! 

3. Impressions don't translate well over crappy audio recording devices. 

4. I like to write, but not perform, song parodies. 

5. I strongly believe that everyone hates Mondays, even though that might not be true. 

6. I own the domain www.peoplesayimfunny.com. 

7. Not every week is a stellar performance. Sometimes, I ramble incoherently because I have nothing to say.  Sorry!

8. One time, I did a Breaking Bad themed post  where I wrote the song Vince Gilligan's Island. It was an ingenious tribute to the show. Really clever. 

9. I dress comfortably, much to everyone else's disappointment. 

10. Contrary to what is written on here, I'm not as Jewish as I seem to be.

Friend Zones

Here's the deal. I wrote the same thing two different ways and I don't know which one I like better. They are by no means finished; I am just curious as to what they read like. If you could comment as to which one you like better, that would be appreciated. It is OK to comment anonymously, just be nice. You can write something mean, but if you do, also provide your name so I know who you are. It will make finding you a lot easier.

The Friend Zone (#1)

I'm from outside of Philadelphia, in a little town called Friendzone, PA. It's just like Intercourse, PA., except the exact opposite. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone is just really friendly and nice. We all help each other out. I feel like the town has two rules. Rule #1 - Be nice to each other. Just do things for each other. Rule #2 - See rule #1. Maybe I'll move one day.

The Friend Zone (#2)

As a man, I like to give my bachelor pad a name. You know what I named mine? The Friend Zone. It's comfortable, quiet. Not much happens. I'm really nice to all of my guests. If someone comes over, and they're like "Charlie, can I get something to drink?" I'm like "Hold on. I'll get you one of everything in my refrigerator." Because my pad, The Friend Zone, has two rules. Rule #1 - Be a real good listener and a nice person in general. Rule #2 - See rule #1. That's all. I'll move one day, I will. And when I make my move out of The Friend Zone, I'll look back on it with fond memories, becuase you never forget your first house. 

Seriously, comment on which one is better/funnier/sadder/whatever. Do it!! Happy Monday!

I'm not misogynistic, but...

• Woman, make me a sandwich!
• I don't think women should play sports... or at least not at the same time as I am playing. Basically, stop slowing me down on the golf course. I don't want to have to wait twenty minutes to mess up every shot. It already takes me forever and a day. 
• I only catch the male version of each Pokémon. 
• No, seriously. Woman, make me a sandwich!
• I got 99 problems and a bitch is one.
• "If I can't batter the women, how the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?" is my favorite Eminem lyric from the song "Rap God."
• Where is my sandwich? I'm not getting one, am I? No. Oh, OK. 

Spring Broken

Finally, the East Coast catches a break with the weather... a spring break, that is. It's like 50 degrees or something, which is almost tropical compared to the winter we've had. All of the snow might finally melt, fingers crossed. Also, it's Spring Break, with a capital S and capital B. Most college classes are closed this week, leaving students to fester in their own boredom, or their own bedroom? Unless, you go somewhere fun, like an island, or China. Either way, you're out of the house. That house, man, that house. It lures you in with it's homesickness and then... Blam! nothing to do. I'm out of the house, breaking in spring the right way. I won't say where... cough *House of Cards* cough. I'll keep it short this week, cause I feel like it's been pretty good already. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm clever. Alright, well, take a break this week. See ya. 

Twitch Played Pokémon

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if 90,000 nerds on the internet got together to try to cooperatively play the Red/Blue versions of the video game Pokémon? Me neither. But apparently, that's what happened. It didn't take long for anarchy to ensue, leaving democracy somewhere even the Helix Fossil couldn't find it. (All praise the Helix Fossil!!!) Soon after Pidgeot was crucified as Bird Jesus, the game caught on like Pokémon White on rice. Twitch suddenly became as household of a name as (insert someone nobody has heard of here). The internet was swept up in a whirlwind of Pokémon memes, catchphrases, gotta catch 'em all phrases, Gifs (soft g), Gifs (hard g), imgur photos, Facebook statuses, YouTube videos, and more, overshadowing the Olympics completely. Much like Ash Ketchum, everywhere you turned there were Pokémon. And much like Ash Ketchum, you just kept banging your head against the wall, unsure of how to escape this Nightmare on Professor Elm's Street.

Badges were actually acquired, Pokémon were caught, and a list of fighters was assembled, all while Ash turned seventeen times before moving forward and then backwards. 

Things really got interesting in the middle of the game when, on a day that will only be known as Sunday Bloody Sunday, many Pokémon were released by mistake. Ash's PC took a real beating that day.  

The thing that shocked the game back to life was when they actually managed to catch Zapdos, an electric bird. Move over Bird Jesus! There's a new sheriff in town. The Elite Four stood in the way between them and the final prize. S.S. Ticket (Now is not the time to use that!)

But in the end, against all oddishes, 90,000 nerds came together when they beat the game and started to sing We Are The Elite Four Champions. The battle was over. What destruction hath been wrought?

Now, what happens when the game is over, you ask? Why, it's time to start Crystal Version! http://www.twitch.tv/twitchplayspokemon 

An Uber Amount of Lyfts

Have you ever heard of Uber and/or Lyft? (Your answer here doesn't matter; I'm going to explain them anyway.) Uber and Lyft are sort of like cab services, but where the cab driver is you. Or someone like you. And it's someone who doesn't drive a minivan or a yellow car with a glowing plastic triangle on it. It's a Nissan Maxima or some comparable vehicle. So, first you go onto your preferred mobile device and download the app(s). Then, you sign up, but you also put in your credit card information. (Stay with me. Believe it or not, this is not the sketchy part.) After that, it's ready to go, and you can request a driver. They even tell you how far away the drivers are from you in minutes. (That's a nice feature.) So then you request one by clicking a button saying you want one. And, if someone is available, they will show up in the designated amount of minutes. And then you get into a regular looking car with a random person that you don't know. (This is the sketchy part.) When the ride is over, they charge your credit card. But, that being said, I've used Uber 4 times and Lyft once, and I'm still alive. (I mean, I've been robbed five times, but I'm still alive.) However, something I did realize when I started using them is that I am substantially more racist than I thought I was. I'll work on that. Right now, I'm using promotional rides, so every ride I've had has been free. That is my favorite price for a cab/random person. What you're paying for is convenience, but it's cheaper than buying a car for every need to go somewhere now and again. I like it. It makes my Monday a little easier. 

*Note: Uber and Lyft are not paying me to say this. (But I am open to them doing so.) 

Dave's Way (Too Long... and Not Here)

I finally found it. The search is over. All of my years of hard work have led to this. I now know where the slowest Wendy's is. It's right between Baum Boulevard and Centre Avenue, just west of Graham Street in Pittsburgh. Phew! What a relief!

Now, I know what you're thinking. "No Charlie, my local Wendy's takes 5-ever to get me my food." Well, that may be, but this Wendy's is slower. Your gonna hate the way they cook.  I guarantee it.

When I got in there, the line was about five people long. Ten minutes later, I gave my order of nuggets, fries, and an ice tea. Complicated, I know, but doable. Ten minutes go by, and I am still waiting. The people before me have all received their food. Another ten minutes go by, and I am still waiting. The people behind me have all received their food.

Listen, I get it, I'm forgettable. It's very hard to remember someone like me. But that being said, I didn't order anything you have to actually cook. It's all reheated straight out of the freezer anyway, and by reheated, I mean deep fried. "Always fresh, never frozen." Never frozen when you get it because it was deep fried before they gave it to you. My tone with them is the only thing that is always fresh. 

What's that you ask, lady behind the counter? What did I order? Well, I had an iced tea, which you gave me and I've drank half of, a six-piece chicken nuggets, and a large fries. Oh, your sorry? Thanks, but that doesn't really satisfy my hunger, which is maybe ironic, cause I'm about to make you eat those words.

I pull out my handgun. Give me all of the ketchup you have, or the lemonade machine gets it. She shovels ketchup into the bag. I fire a warning shot into the air. "This is what happens when fast food becomes slow," I shout at the top of lungs. I back away slowly, gun still aimed at the lemonade machine. I duck out of the front door and scurry off into the crisp, frigid night. When life gives you lemons, shoot the lemonade machine. 

High 2.5

I want to tell you about that moment, when your five fingers smack into another person's five fingers. Have you ever gone in for a high five with someone you know because one of you said something stupidly profound and/or profoundly stupid? And you're so ready for it. As your hand is flying through the air, you are hyper aware of how you're doing everything right. You've got your hand as straight as a ruler, your looking down the scope of a sniper rifle at the other person's elbow, and you've timed it perfectly. Your hands collide at that victorious moment, but the sound is just ever so slightly off. And the other persons hand is a lot smaller than you thought. In fact it's squarer too. And bony. Oh wait, that's a fist. Awkward...