(XLIII - VIII) = (43-8)

Did you watch the Super Bowl last night? Or as I call it the Not-So-Super Bowl. Was it just me, or was it kind of boring? I mean, I haven't seen that many people drop the ball since New Year's Eve. Also, the score was 8 to nothing at one point. That seems so strange to me. A safety and 2 field goals. Yuck! Then, there was halftime. Bruno Mars featuring the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I would have done that the other way around, in my opinion, because one man should not have an established band guest spot his set, despite the fact that it was Bruno Mars. He didn't even sing Marry You, or my better version of the song, Roofie You. So disappointing. I just don't know. There were some good commercials, but honestly I saw more guest stars on New Girl and Brooklyn 99 combined. And I laughed harder. Well, I'm off to Africa to score me a t-shirt that says that the Denver Broncos are Super Bowl XLVIII Champions. Catch ya next week when I touch down in the USA. (FOOTBALL PUNS!!!!!!)  

Dressed to Chill 2: The Fabric of My Life

It has recently come to my attention that the way one dresses matters in other people's opinions of said person. Does it? You know clothes are just an improvement of a loincloth, right? Or better yet a bunch of loincloths of the same color sewn together? I don't get it. We should all be comfortable. That's why I'm announcing the grand opening of my premiere clothing emporium, Charlie's Closet. Here is the manuscript of the radio advertisement that I took out. 

Come on down to Charlie's Closet Emporium!! We've got a little bit of everything you'll need to wear clothes. You want khakis? We've got khakis. You want jeans? We've got khakis. You want sweatpants? Light gray or dark gray? You want watches? We've got one Nike+ Fuelband, where our slogan is, "Yeah, there's a watch in there somewhere. Did you try pressing the button?" And if it's shirts your're looking for, well, look no further. You can get one in any size as long as it's a large. Long sleeve, short sleeve, you name it. And have you heard of our shoe selection? Sneakers and boot galore. We're located in the bedroom of a heavily painted apartment building. For a limited time, everything in the store is 100% free. That's right! FREE! Zero cents. You just have to pay a service fee that varies by product, as low as $2.99. But act quick, because come trash day, EVERYTHING MUST GO! So come on down, and dress the most comfortable you've ever dressed in your life, no matter what your friends think. Because remember, everyone is different. (Cash only.)

A Bucket of Troubles

My name is Charlie. Because of that, I get the same questions over and over again. No, I didn't bite your finger. No, I don't want to go to candy mountain. And finally, no, I don't own a chocolate factory... anymore. I sold that wretched piece of property years ago. Do you know what Wonka did? He left me with a decrepit piece of land and a factory that was falling apart and rotting from literally everywhere. Can we talk about this for a minute? Let's start with that Wonkavator. You wanna know how I got back after we burst through the freaking roof? I jumped!! It dropped down low enough, and I took my chances with a large tree. Where's Grandpa, Wonka, and the Wonkavator? Hell if I know. Haven't seen them since.

When I got back, that place needed massive renovations. All new pipe work, machine parts, the whole deal...and then the lease ran out. Boy, Wonka sure timed it perfectly, handing me a factory with an almost expired lease. And what about papers transferring the property to me? Let's just say that my golden ticket did not hold up in court. I had to sell a lot of things to pay the city back. We had a massive yard sale, the Oompa Loompas and I. Then sadly, I had to let half of them go. The half that I din't let go unionized, to absolutely no one’s surprise, and I found myself the target of some pretty harsh attacks. I remember their signs like it was yesterday: "Oompa loompa, do-ba-dee-DON'T! 

I kept thinking "Why me? Why did I have to win? Why couldn't it have been one of those other rotten children?" But they were bad from the start and died because of it. I was the warrior. Oh yeah, they all died that day. I couldn't save any of them. You think I know how to unshrink a small boy or deflate a purple girl? Nope. 

Things started to pan out, it seemed. The factory was running around 75%. The death threats stopped coming. I thought we might actually make it through. We did have to get rid of the fizzy lifting juice, though. Turns out, that shit gives you cancer. They caught it early, but... I don't know. We scrapped the program anyway, just to be safe. Was it around that time that we discovered the ants? I think it was. You couldn't possibly think that one can run a factory with rooms made of candy and not have ants, could you? Luckily for me, Slugworth knew an exterminator.

I don't mean to complain. My life now is pretty good. I'm a retired chocolate factory owner and my current wife is a retired Realtor. That's kind of how we met. She says I'm too bitter from the whole experience and that's why my other three wives left me. Yeah, that's why! (Lots of crazies out there, if you catch my drift). Oh, and this marriage thing is new for me, seeing as I only found a wife when I retired. I call that factory my Ever-Lasting Cockblocker. Listen, I tell my tale as a cautionary one. Take Old Man Bucket's advice: If a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.

- Charlie Bucket

What Can I Say?

No, seriously, what can I say? Cause, I'm kind of struggling here. No clue what to write. 

Getting past writer's block for me is kind of tough sometimes. I spoken about it before, well, not spoken, written about it before, but that doesn't make it any easier. There's no magical way to repel over that wall inside my mind. And I've never been interested in rock climbing.

Did you watch the Golden Globes last night? I recommend doing so. It was good. Tina and Amy are great at hosting and a lot of good shows and movies won well deserved awards. I won't say who, cause that would be a spoiler alert, and our culture forbids it. But like, Breaking Bad won stuff. American Hustle did too. Sorry

This is one of those "read it as a study break, then go back to work" weeks. I apologize. 

Traveler's Prayer

Did you miss me? Come on, admit it. You did a little bit, right? I don't know why I ask you questions I'll never know the answer to. Anyway, I'm back. Sound the alarm. I'm rested and ready to go. Actually, I did some traveling over the break. I flew right before Christmas and just after New Year's. This might be controversial, but I don't think airline food is as awful as Seinfeld will have you believe. At least, the kosher meals aren't. Planes are still small and cramped, unless you have the luxury of shelling out all of your shekels for a first class seat. I, unfortunately, do not have that luxury. The TSA and Customs are still annoying processes to deal with. I appreciate what they are doing for our country by checking for illegal things, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to remove everything in my backpack and swab it with a sorry excuse for a Swiffer Duster, and then tell me to put everything back into my bag. And Customs, when you ask if anybody helped me pack my suitcase, is it worth mentioning that my brother sat on it while I zipped it up? Technically, he helped me pack. Oh, and don't make me fill out paperwork about declaring my purchases abroad aboard the plane as it's landing . How am I supposed to do that with my tray table in an upright and locked position, hmm? I will declare nothing, except for my independence. This is 'MURICA, goddammit!! 

Now, one thing that never fails to intrigue me is that people clap when the plane lands. Meaning what? You would boo if the plane crashed? Something like, "Boo, I've seen better landings than that!! Boo, I'm on fire right now!! Boo, my leg is broken!!" Don't clap, the pilot is just doing his job. Do I clap when the waiter at a restaurant brings me my order? Okay, most times I do because I'm a picky eater, and it's fifty/fifty as to whether they'll get it right on the first try. That was a bad example. 

Anyway, if you traveled this holiday season, I hope it went well. It's an exhausting process, and I'm just praying I get my energy back soon. Safe travels in the future. 

Laughter's Hiatus

We've had some real fun this year, haven't we? We have, we have. Sadly though, I will be taking a two week break, so this post will round out the year. Don't fret, I will be back the first Monday in January. Until then, I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (How cliche, am I right?) .

But seriously, folks, it's a time for family, joy, and joy when your family leaves. And a time for a tree and alcohol and alcohol when your tree leaves (ha, tree leaves, this guy's real good).  Did you know I used to celebrate Christmas in the 90s? Oh, those crazy 90s. Well, I did. I used to split a present with my brother. To be fair, our present was always a log from the backyard, so it made sense to split it. Our parents got firewood for kindling. Years later, we each got Kindle Fires. If that's not what coming full circle means, then I don't understand life. Also, the true meaning of Christmas is Christ's Mass, where Christ means Messiah.

Now that I've settled that, let's move on to New Year's. 2014!!! It's coming. Oh, if only the Mayan's could see us now. In all honesty, they probably would assume that they were right and that our world did end. Don't forget, we have TV shows like Fox News, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and Brickleberry! But alas, we shall move into another year. Another year of writing 2013 on checks. 2014 should be fun, though. I can't wait to see what happens. This is the year cars will fly, I can feel it. And this is the year feels will fly, I can car it (Ok, note to self, that only worked in the second paragraph.) Anyway, without rambling on, I will talk to you next year. I will be ready to go and my comedy will be reborn. Like my own Nativity Scene. More like Creativity Scene. No, maybe not. Enjoy the end of the year. Have fun! Be Merry. Make resolutions. Ok, bye......... 

Mr. E. Puzzle

Caution: DO NO SCROLL DOWN ALL THE WAY [SPOILERS]

Please, call me Lil' Puzzle. Mr. E. Puzzle is my father. This week, I want to play a little game. Not like Saw, although if you want to cut your foot off, be my guest. It's a word puzzle. It's not that hard (that's what she said), but I think you may find it enjoyable. Please fill in the following words. There may or may not be a theme (*wink*). The answers are below, if you need them.

Words:

s n a p _ h _ t

f _ _ e b _ _ _

t w i _ t e r 

v i _ e

_ i n d e r 

i n s t _ g _ _ _

t u m b l _

m y s _ _ _ _

Wasn't that easy? See how well you did. The answers are below. 

(snapshot, freebird, twister, vice, binder, instigate, tumble, mystery) 

How did you do? That bad, huh? Well, you'll do better next time. See ya next week.

Cyber Mundane

This is what I'm talking about people. The Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. I'm going to wager, and this is a complete guess while blindfolded in a soundproof room, that you're saying to yourself "I wish it was still the long weekend." Because it wasn't long enough. Tell me I'm wrong. Go on. Don't actually, though, because I can't hear you and refuse to listen. The point is that today is boring. Sure, it's Cyber Monday, a day sacred to online shoppers all over the world. But what else, huh? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. That being said, it is the sixth night of Hanukkah. But every Cyber Monday is Hanukkah to me, so... I don't know what you want to do there. Go shop online to brighten up your day. But that's all you have. Here, tell ya what, I tell you a joke, and you can finish reading this and get back to your busy life. Here it goes: Sometimes, I think about lying to people and telling them that I drive a limousine professionally. But then I think, "nah, that might be a stretch." Actually, it's a play on words. So it's a pun. Groan or grin accordingly. 

A Jewish Thanksgiving

As all of you know, this Thursday is Thanksgiving. As some of you may know, this Wednesday night is the first night of Hanukkah. What? That's crazy. Hanukkah and Thanksgiving are on the same day this year. How rare is that? What are the odds? (Here are the odds, how rare it is, and why it may never happen again: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-joel-hoffman/hanukkah-and-thanskgiving_b_4312207.html) What does this mean for us?

I'm so confused. Do we call it Thanksgivukkah or "Ch"anksgiving? Do we spin a dreidel or a drumstick? Do we eat Latkes or lots of stuffing? Do the candles burn for 8 days or does the turkey baste for 8 days? Is Black Friday now the second holiest day for Jews in November? What is going on?

Personally for me, Hanukkah has always been similar to Thanksgiving. The first day is great, and then the following days I'm tired of eating the same food over and over again. It will be nice to be together with family during both of the holidays. Plus, its better, because Hanukkah doesn't fit into my December schedule this year. Thanks universe, I appreciate it! *wink*

This year, I'm most thankful for the friends I've made. What are you most thankful for? Think about that, but don't forget to watch football, eat food, and light the menorah (if you're Jewish. If you're not Jewish, why would you have a menorah?) The point here is that a food coma is twice as likely this year. I think that's what I've been trying to say. I'm not sure. Enjoy your week. 

P.S. In honor of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving being the same day, I'm deep frying the turkey. 

#WWIS

Last week, I believe it was a Tuesday, a fad lit up Facebook like the Fourth of July. I think it was called "What Would You Do?" No, wait, "What Would Jesus Say?" No, wait, "What Would I Say?" There were suddenly more WWIS posts than all of the baby photos and song lyric statuses... combined!! For those not familiar, the concept is simple. You've been writing meaningless Facebook statuses and comments for years. But what if, suddenly, the words from each one were mixed together into short phrases that make little to no sense? Phrases like "can now it" and "I'm on 11/13" and "God is real." I immediately jumped on the bandwagon, and have no doubt that these are things that I would say. But, when would I say them? We don't have to wonder, I figured it out.

What is the meaning of life?

"Sometimes, I sit and think we know."

Do you sometimes feel like life is one giant game?

"It is plenty of a game."

Do you have fun at concerts?

"Where do I don't have fun?"

What would you say if I told you that we didn't catch all of the Pokemon?

"That's fine, we'll get em next time."

If you could act, who would you like to play?

"Me as the Ghost of Space in my life."

Are you writing anything else besides this right now?

"I'm working on an updated version of Dante's Inferno, where internet is down."

What are you going to do for your test on natural disasters tomorrow? 

"Improv + Cold Weather until I study for Hurricane Sandy."

What's a typical Halloween like for you?

"It's just me from afar. Boo! Halloween is real quiet..."

What are you going to do to the Thanksgiving turkey this year?

"I think I'm gonna gobble it."

What would you call a Jewish holiday in which you only get chocolate coins?

"Hanukkah Day of Cents."

What does the addition of Cage the Elephant and Apples Against Humanity equal?

"Cage the Elephant + Apples Against Humanity = Successful Friday

Which do you prefer: Frank Ocean or the Baltimore Ravens?

"By the transitive property, Frank Ocean beat the Ravens."

What do people say?

"People Say It's Labor Day?"

What happened to your meth lab, Charlie?

"The feds got to it."

How did you get the cats in the alley to talk like teenagers?

"I'm pretty sure I'm a wizard and somehow willed them to use abbreviations ASAP."

What's on you DVR right now?

"23 Minute to Win Its."

What's the most racist thing you've almost done?

"I nearly derailed the Mexicans to bring on the UNION."