I'm a 21 One Year Old Male

I don't think I ask a lot of you, reader. Do I? No, right? But let me ask you to come on a journey with me. Let's start by pretending, for the sake of argument, that I'm a 21 year old male. I said pretend, listen, I know it's a stretch. And let's agree that one of the privileges of being a 21 year old male is the ability to legally... how should I put it?... imbibe an adult beverage, or, say, purchase a whole case of 24 adult beverages. That's just my right as an older person. But only in this scenario. Don't forget, we're assuming that I'm a 21 year old male.

Now, where would one get such a delicacy? Why, only a beverage distributor, or weirdly, a deli nearby where I live. So, my next hypothetical move is to go to the distributor and select my crazy juice. I'm trying new nicknames for it. The nearest distributor is about a mile or so away. Boom! I'm there right now in the story via a suspension of disbelief. The old lady at the bulletproof window says go choose a case. Boy, I'm really enjoying being a 21 year old male. I'm now at the window, case in hand, handing over my valid I.D., which says that I'm a 21 year old male, you know, just for shits and giggles. The old cat lady at the window is now verifying my VALID I.D. But wait? Is that a frown on her ancient face. She passes my VALID I.D. through the machine again, and that devilish frown returns. Swiper no swiping! She gingerly dips my VALID I.D. into a smaller machine by the swiping machine, on which a light goes from red to green. Success!!!?

Now, another perk of being a 21 year old wallflower is that I'm legally allowed to have my VALID I.D. photocopied, or Xeroxed, if you're a Kleenex user. Check. Double Check. But what's this? She's now handing me a piece of paper, with blank spaces that I need to fill in. Height, Weight, Address, Date of Birth, and to top it all off, Signature. I'll take your pop quiz; I'm a good sport, and by good sport, I mean a 21 year old male with a VALID I.D.

You still following me reader? Good.

I hand the quiz back, hoping for an A+. The C U Next Tuesday behind the plastic window grades my work and writes F in bright red ink. What? I'll show you an F, bitch. What did I get wrong? She states that I got the signature wrong. What? My signature is like lighting, it never strikes the same place twice. Oh wait. It's like an opinion; everyone's got one. No, hold on. It's like a snowflake; each one is different. There we go. How the hell should I know how I signed my name 4 years ago on my VALID I.D., you white haired demon? Oh, so now you can't sell me my beverages because I didn't convince you I'm who my VALID I.D. says I am, specifically a 21 year old male in this made up scenario. Humph!

Ok, so.... should I come back later, or.... what? I leave flustered and defeated, like a 3 day old balloon. Or is it deflated, like the Washington Redskins on MNF? Apparently, they changed the rules. You now have to be 22 years old to purchase that neat, sweet, hard to beat, wheat depressant. I almost got my "hops" up. Sigh.... Snap back to reality. You're wherever you are. And I'm alone, in my room, drowning my sorrows with a bottle of Coke-Zero. It's fun to pretend. 

A Day of Labor

Happy Labor Day!

Here's a question for you all about my habits today. Was I working hard or hardly working? Hahahahahaha, both!! Sorry, it was one of my very popular rhetorical questions that I ask on here. I like to think of this blog as being unionized, since my one personality writes it, and my other one stands around and watches. And isn't that what today is kind of about? That ones not rhetorical, I really don't know and need your help. Anyway, it's late, you're tired, you have things to do, you're hungry, I'm making assumptions, I think we all need some rest. I'll leave you to your own devices, be them cell phones, iPods, tablets, computers.........

MTV's VMAs

In honor of last night's VMAs, I thought I might do something fun. I'm going to pitch some alternate names for the show, because Video Music Awards seems outdated, especially since the people who run MTV may or may not know what a music video is. 

1. Disney XXX: The Musical

2. Miley's Twerkfest of Horror

3. 'N Sync: The Reunion Show

4.  One Direction's Big Surprise Award Show

5. The Roast of Pop Culture

I mean, these are just a few of my names for it. You can call it what you want, but it wasn't pretty. I just don't know. Catch ya next week. 

Mosquitoes Bite!

I'm itching to get something off of my chest. Actually, it's more like both ankles, my left leg, and both arms. It would appear as though mosquitoes find me almost as delicious as old people did when I was a baby. All I have to do is merely open a door to the outside and the mosquitoes are on me like white on rice. I'm not worried about diseases, since I Googled mosquito bites on Web.MD and found that its probably cancer. Maybe. The thing is, I'm really itchy. Yeezus Christ, they got both ankles and arms. I didn't even stand a chance. Never saw them coming. Or going. Missed them both times. Sneaky cold blooded blood suckers. Screw them. 

I don't mean to seem so angry about mosquitoes, but it's annoying. I read this Twitter post recently that cheered me up, though. It was: 

"I killed a mosquito in my room last night, and I fear that, for the rest of my life, I'll always be chasing that high."

I can't say who wrote it, but I bet people say he's funny. 

Song of the Summer

Guys, I'm trying to hone in on the song of the summer. So far, I've got it narrowed down to Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" and Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines." Let me go over some facts that may help you choose between the two songs.  

Get Lucky: 

• It was originally entitled "Up All Night", but later changed so as to not be associated with anything that One Direction has done. 
• When asked how they got Pharrell Williams to collaborate, Daft Punk said "_____ ___ __ ______ __________ ___ ____ ______."
• The song took 18 months to complete because nobody could agree about the appropriate number of times to repeat the line "We're up all night to get lucky." They finally settled on a reasonable 36 times. 

Blurred Lines:

• Two different music videos were made for this song: one that was not show able on YouTube, and one where all of the girls are topless. 
• When asked how he got Pharrell Williams to collaborate, Robin Thicke said "I heard this guy was working with Daft Punk on a new song and I figured they wouldn't say anything if I used him too." 
• An exclusive early version of the song features the lyrics "You wanna hug me/ Hey, hey, hey/ What rhymes with hug me?/ Hey, hey, hey/ Now this will bug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ No son, don't tug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ This hole I've dug me/ Hey, hey, hey/ Maybe I'll plug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ Hey fans don't mug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ What rhymes with hug me?" Most of this was later cut so that the song makes more sense. 

OK, now you should have enough to decide. Please help me out. I'm really struggling here. Hey, maybe we can combine them into one big mash up, That would be cool, I think. Someone do that. Thanks.  

#SharkGeek

Can you believe it's August already? I sure can't (*wink*). But guess what? It's SharkWeek on the Discovery Channel and GeekWeek on YouTube. This is the first time they coincide since this is the first GeekWeek ever. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain myself. Sharks are meat eating fish that live in the ocean and sometimes in a tornado. Geeks are meat eating people who live in houses and sometimes study tornadoes. Good things are happening on both fronts, so check them out. I'll be keeping an eye on both. If sharks scare you, don't go swimming anymore. If geeks scare you, grab your inhaler and take a deep breath, it'll be ok. But I'm convinced that it will be fun and exciting to observe geeks and sharks in their natural habitats. So go forth and geek-out about sharks..... or shark-out about geeks. Your call. 

This Instant, Right Now

We live in a world where everything is "Now! Now! Now!" You know "Do this for me now!" and "Serve me my food now!" or "Ring up my copy of Now, That's What I Call Music 83 now!" It's both overwhelming and confusing. Sometimes, I'm more confused than a TV binge-viewer with a year subscription to Netflix. "Breaking Bad or Mad Men? Breaking Bad or Mad Men!!!? No, wait! Orange is the New Black!" We are all just products of this time period where everything is available whenever we want. I think back to the good 'ole days, like the early 2000's, when we actually had to wait for things to happen each week. And if you missed something? Oh, heaven forbid that happened! You'd better hope the VCR recorded it. Now, if we miss something, we say, "Maybe, if I hurry, I can catch it on YouTube before the copyright people get to it, wah, wah, wah!" Shut up!! It sickens me. Where's the surprise? It feels like too much a lot of the time. I don't know, maybe I'm rambling. I apologize. I'm gonna go back to refreshing twitter every ten seconds. Thanks for reading this this instant, right now. 

Hot and Bothered

Well, we did it! We got through the heat wave. If you live on the east coast, then you know what hot is lately. To be fair, if you live on the west coast you know what hot is too, but I think it's a little different. Dryer, less humid. The east coast is lush, like a can of peas, but very humid. As I waved goodbye to the heat wave today, I said to myself, "Phew, I'm glad that's over, now it will just rain a lot." The guy next to me asked me what I meant, and I shut up and quickly walked away feeling embarrassed. But what did I mean? I'm glad that temperatures will be in the 80's instead of the 90's. Last week, it was so hot you could have fried an egg on the side of my face. I considered laying outside on my stomach and frying bacon on my back, you know, kill two birds with one greasy stone as the saying goes. Didn't do it; too messy and involved for my amount of lethargy. But alas, this week will be cooler, and not just because of the normal coolness that radiates off of me like x-rays from the sun or the Bay Rays from their dugout for all of you baseball fans out there. Listen, comfortable weather is fine with me. So I'll be here next week, cool as a cucumber in 85 degree weather, or in other words, warm. 

25 States

If you ask my opinion (and I know you always do), there should be less states. 50 is a lot to keep track of. Who has the time? Not me. Below is my list of 25 states, each one a combination of two separate states. Be advised that the states need not border each other. 

Florizona, Ohawaii, Alaskansas, Ioregon, Nouth Carolina, Sorth Dakota, Calindiana, Texabama, Mainesachusetts, Arkansota, Nebraskentucky, Vermontana, New Mexicolorado, Virgeorgia, Wyomissouri, Marylaware, Tennessippi, Utaho, West Pennsylvirginia, Illinevada, Wisconnecticut, New Washingtork, New Hampshey, Rhode Islouisiana, Michisouri

I don't know about you, but next week I'm moving to New Hampshey. 

Monday, Monday

If you're like me, and let's assume for the sake of argument that you are, then you may be displeased with the fact that I have missed a couple of Mondays this summer, Mondays on which you did not get to bask and relish in the subtle wit and genius that is my style of writing on here.  I realize that I may be letting down a few of my readers by not posting every week, but hey, nobody's perfect. My other two readers get that. It has been hard this summer for me to get to the computer every Monday. So what I'm saying is that it may be more sporadic this summer than I previously anticipated. Do not fear, though. I will be posting things and making things and writing things, just not always on Monday. After all, people say I'm funny and I can't afford to disappoint those whom regard me as such a prevailing force in the field of blogging, and basically, the world wide web in general. My iconic cultural presence shall not be sullied. I will not stand for it. I may, however, sit for it. Think about that one, if you can find the time.