Hi! I’m Tin Diamond. That’s Tin, with an “n” and not Tim. Parents were hippies. Anyway, I’ve been mandated to take a break from selling used cars at Diamond’s Dealership off the on ramp of Route 74 near exit 21 while the police finish their “investigation.” But enough about my side hustle. Charlie has asked me personally to wax poetic (and not wax a car, for a change) about his blog over the last 10 years, of which I am an avid reader. Who isn’t? This guy’s got it. And I was honored to be recruited on such a momentous occasion, the 10th year anniversary of him writing on here in fits and starts. Speaking of starting and stopping, go buy a used car from Diamond’s Dealership. We’ll cut prices just like jewelers cut diamonds, or the mob cuts people. But enough about my side hustle.

From beginning posts that were literally about masturbation, to later posts that have been figuratively very masturbatory, he’s done himself a real self service. If it’s self service you’re after, look no further than Tin Diamond’s Used Car Emporium, part of Diamond Dealership, re-opening next week after the lovely folks at Precinct 15 finish up their work. He’s covered everything in between, spared no expense, and created a space that’s intimate, funny, and if I may say so myself, a book-worthy expanse of odd bullshit and lackluster musings. But he’s not stopping here. He’s going much further, unlike the wonderfully cheap and inexpensive cars from Diamond Dealership; pay no attention to reliability, it’s all about price.

I’ve supported him from the beginning, and let me tell you, I’ve donated every year. Been a very nice place to offload large sums of money under the guise of fostering a creative voice, a passionate artist yearning to write free. It’s my way of giving back. But enough about my side hustle. It’s all been used for good. When the pandemic derailed life everywhere, Charlie was also affected and that’s comforting to know. I actually can’t get my shit together because car parts are stuck at port, and he figuratively can’t get his shit together because anxiety is a real demon. Who knew we’d be in such the same boat? Speaking of which, we sell boats now at Diamond Dealership. There may be no car parts in America, but there’s a boatload of boats. Come get yours today (or as soon as the men and women in uniform say I can again begin selling vehicles, and only vehicles, so help me God).

Some of you eagle-eye readers may have spotted something out of place. You’re saying “Hey, Tin? If this is the 10th anniversary, where’s the post about the 9th?” Good eye, I’d respond, as my Australian alter ego Tinney Leather, who is also wanted on some minor embezzlement and petty theft charges. I didn’t plan that name for this, I swear. I’ve always used it, and now I don’t have to tell you, but it surely fits like a leather glove, since leather is the 9 year gift after all. ‘Leather? He hardly whips her.’ I’ve seen that joke many times on here and it’s nice to know that I got it absolutely one hundred percent guaranteed correct the one time that I’ve been asked to guest write. Yeah, what about year 9? There was a pandemic, I think. He took it off, much like I’ll slash five thousand off the price of a slightly used Cadillac. The use? Street racing! This baby went from 0 to 60 a few times and now can’t. It’s perfect for your children learning to drive. Even comes with a cigar rack and barber chair. We’re slashing everything, including hair. Cut him some slack for the leather anniversary, or I’ll cut you some slack, and that threat’s about to get married because it’s thinly veiled.

Well, now, let me get back to it. It’s been such a thrill and a great escape to write on here for a week. Now that I mention great escapes, anybody know how to? The police found something, and between you and me, it’s not gonna end well. Don’t worry, the dealership will still be run by the Diamond family, it’s just gonna have to pass to my baby girl, my pride and joy, Karat. Karat Diamond’s Dealership. That’s got a nice ring to it… (see what I did there?)

Honey, start the Cadillac! Grab your go bag of bags and let’s make like a meatball sub and split.

Oh, right? You’re still here reading? Good, really quick, he’s not stopping and all that jazz… [insert broken promise about writing every week here]. But do get excited for a book. That would be cool.

Honey, let’s a go. I’m doing Mario voice, so you know I mean business. Come on, Princess. This ain’t our castle no more.

*Engine sputtering* *tires squeaking* *loose leather hitting the road* *smoke fading*