Yesterday, we witnessed one of the greatest things in the history of America; Melania standing next to Donald Trump for longer than 10 seconds. Actually, I'm referring to the solar eclipse, which had the reddest parts of America on the edge of their seats viewing the reddest part of the sun. If you were lucky enough to get glasses or some piece of welder's glass, you could watch the entire thing happen very slowly over 2 hours. If you could get glasses, you had to stare directly at the sun or use an empty box of cereal. If you couldn't see the eclipse, you had to eat your feelings with a full box of cereal.

Normally, our parents say "don't stare at the sun, you'll go blind." They also say don't masturbate, you'll go blind." I killed two birds with one stone and jerked off into the sun. I went double blind, like I was playing Texas Hold 'em. So, as I write this, I don't. It's all being dictated to my ghost writer (Siri).

I don't miss my eyesight, or mysight, for short. I was tired of looking at all of the horrible stuff in this world, anyway. Now I can see the world for what it truly is: a bunch of sounds. Don't send me Warby Parker gift cards or coupons to Lens Crafters; I'll be fine. My sight is but a memory, which coincidentally, if one of my favorite Elvis Costello songs.

My sense of taste and touch has doubled. I'm now licking the floor and feeling my food. Lots of good tastes and touches there. I'm picking up hints of mud, subway grease, and lavender. Lot more lavender on the floor of the city than you would think. I know; it surprised me too. I said to myself "Self? What's all this lavender? Are people bathing in the streets without me?" I don't know.

Right before I went blind, I saw something spectacular. The world was quiet, as everyone observed what was happening above. People were sharing. People were excited. People were generous. If you didn't have glasses, you could ask someone near you, and they would just hand them over. It was really powerful. It showed me that if we all just buckle up, focus in, and work together, we can accomplish anything. That if we all are not so focused on ourselves and acting like assholes, then the world truly can be a wonderful place. So take that with you. Share something with someone. Be kind and remember: the sun is the center of the universe. We are so far from it that the moon can get between us and block out light for a few seconds. Think about that.

For the next two weeks, I'm on vacation. There will be no post next week. Not that anyone is looking for one. I'll detail what I'm doing when I get back. See you all in September. Love each other.