I guess I'm really into handing out diagnoses all of a sudden. I wonder why. Anyway, you can trust me; I'm a doctor. Actually, I'm not. But I know a couple, and they won't tell you this is a real disorder, so I will. Whenever people go to a theater to watch a show, but have to buy tickets beforehand at the door, they develop, for a very brief moment, a condition known as ticket brain.

Ticket brain is the condition of walking up to a box office or ticket window and instantly being dumbstruck to the point of not recognizing simple phrasing that you would normally be able to respond to. Things like "Hi, what are you here to see?" and "What's your last name?" and even "Can you tell me who my real dad is?" OK, that last one is a trick question, but I still use it as a third question cause it's funnier if people don't know the answer to three questions. Science!

I really think working the box office of any theater is doing God's work. In fact, that's my main view and picture of God. Just a man with white flowing everything sitting in a box office selling dead people tickets to the greatest comedy show of all time, as performed by every dead comedian, or tickets to a theatrical adaptation of Hitler's Mein Kampf, performed in sign language by every dead deaf actor. Heaven and Hell.

Because the conversations at the box office between attendant and patron are so cyclical that ratio of how long they last and the information exchanged is 3.14159265359. (That's a math joke. Let me save that til Pi Day next week, actually.) it goes something like this:

Hi, what are you here to see?

The 7:00 show.

We have two; which one?

Ummm........... the improv one.

They're both improv.

Ummm........ Josh is in it.

I don't know who that is.

It's at this theater.

Yeah, you're in the right place, just tell me which show.

It's improv at 7:00.

No, I know. We covered that. Just which one?

Let me text him.... it's this show (holds up phone).

Oh that's actually at our other theater. :(

See what I mean? Ticket brain. No treatment, no cure, as of yet. But I donate to the Mayo Clinic everyday. Cause if there's is one thing I believe, it's that Mayo cures everything. Just spread a little on and you're good.

I've got a sketch show written and directed by me taking place on Sunday at the PIT Loft at 9:00 pm in Midtown. Come watch it!! It's really good. We've got special opening acts and everything. The works! It'll be the best. That's all. See ya next week!