I think Santa is Jewish. Oh, come on, we all know Santa is Jewish. He's one big furry black hat away from saying a blessing before eating all of those cookies. That's why milk is such a treat for him. He doesn't have it with dinner. Also, that beard. Are you kidding me? I know Jewish men who would kill for a white beard like that. He'd be the talk of the kibbutz with that beard. He's already the talk of the shtetl where the factory is. Plus, he owns a factory where tiny men and women work for him, making toys. I don't know why but that sounds Jewish to me. A house with that many little people, a.k.a. children. It's right there! You've always got a minion with that many guys and gals. And Mrs. Claus takes care of everyone! Hello?? That's every Jewish mother. Have you had...? Do you need...? Can I get you a spoonful of honey? It all makes sense.

You know, it's weird. Jews don't believe in Santa or Satan. That's like, poetic, no? I think it is. Like the letters are mixed up, but they spell the same word. Coincidence? I think not.

Now, the Grinch is definitely Jewish. That hairy and furry of a guy? Who hates Christmas that much? I'll tell you Cindy-Lou-Who, the Grinch! (I never could figure that out: is it Cindy-Loo in a playful way, or is it Cindy-Lou, like she has a male middle name, effectively being the girl named Lou instead of a boy named sue for kids my age?) It's gotta be, it only makes sense.

Sorry for rambling, but then again, you'd be rambling too, if you discovered a revelation like this. I'm going straight to the failing NY Times. This is just the story they need to save the paper. Gotta go! On Q train! On B train! On Comet! On Blitzen! On Dasher! On Prancer! On Donner! I'm schvitzen!