I'm a walker. No, this is nothing related to The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones. I just think cars are expensive, unlike the people in The Walking Dead, who find them lying around, and unlike the people in Game of Thrones, who don't know what cars are. Plus, I live in a huge city with plenty of public transportation. So long story short, I walk everywhere.

Walking in New York City is one of the most dangerous things that you can do, right behind moving to Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn. It's a whole set of acrobatic moves that are, well, when you think about it, pretty instinctual. It combines all of those walking rules that you learned in elementary school (single file, eyes in front, hands to yourself) with some new ones (don't give money to beggars, just keep walking, ew! Don't touch that! It's a used condom). Especially at night and in Times Square.

I forget what level of Dante's Hell Times Square is based on (seems like maybe level 7, violence), but it's one of those places in New York where you have to go if you've never been, but if you live here you never ever go. It's a really scary experience, even scarier than moving to Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn. There are so many people, all walking at different speeds, taking different paths, and looking at their phones. It's obnoxious. And it becomes very frustrating when I want to get around these people and I have to dodge a swinging arm or two.

Why do we, as humans, swing our arms when we walk? Hold on while I use The Google... Ok. It's called Arm Swing, and the definition is all physics. "Swinging arms in an opposing direction with respect to the lower-limb reduces the angular momentum of the body, balancing the rotational motion produced during walking." All it's saying is it helps us balance. I knew there had to be a reason. Because for me right now, walking in New York City is one giant game of trying not to get sucker punched in the dick.

I'm five 5'9", 5'8" sopping wet. My height is such that it positions my balls at direct hand upswing level. Like hitting a golf ball off of a tee. Whack! So, I'm constantly using my high school dodgeball skills too and quickly dodging nut slaps. If this were high school, they would be out for hitting me in the balls, unless the gym teacher didn't see it, in which case I would be out and in pain. That happened a lot. Damn you high school!!!! But really, though, it's tough. Whenever I try to pass someone, I make a jock protector out of some cardboard that I find on the street and charge full force into their swinging hand, in one last ditch attempt to hurt them too. This. Is. For. Sparta! And Athens! The one on the left is named Athens!!! It usually works out pretty well.

All in all, my intact balls and I have been getting to where we need to go, which is unfortunately Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn. And I don't do the arm swing thing. If I fall over while walking, that just means that I need to get better at walking. Simple as that. So be careful out there. Protect yourself. And if you end up getting hit, just walk it off.