These are a bunch of short jokes I had lying around:

I'm not going to call myself a nerd, even though I enjoyed school... when I wasn't being shoved into lockers.

Don't read between the lines. I haven't proofread that part yet.

I don't feel the need to practice religion. I like to approach everything I do with a certain level of mediocrity. Just like sports.

I don't play by anybody's rules but my own. And that's probably why I always lose.

I'm a bit of a heavy sleeper, to put it lightly.

I hate betting against myself because when I lose I have to write myself an IOME.

I need to learn how to use abbreviations ASAP

I don't normally take breaks, but when I do, I prefer Spring Break.