The Case of a Penny Found v. A Penny Earned: Part 1

May 30, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

"Buck"le up, folks! This one's long. (That's what she said!) Actually, I'm splitting it into a two parter. More on that later. For the past three weeks, I've been conducting an experiment. As Bernie Sanders could tell you, money is tight for the middle class these days. I took a real gamble when I up and moved to New York City to pursue the only job that would hire me as a civil engineer. And so far, that gamble has not payed off financially because I decided to live in Midtown Manhattan, where the only thing that's cheap is the fruit on the street (and the hookers, also on the street). The rest are tourists, fancy bars, and expensive housing. But that's not even the half of it. See, I went to college for civil engineering (see above), and I went to an expensive college (see my bank account). I got a really good education there, and now I'm getting a really good education in paying bills. Ever since the end of 2014, my loan bills have cost me half of whatever my monthly income was at the time. Don't believe me? You should.

But, wait! I know what you're saying. My problems are simple. I just need a second job. Well, sure, yeah, ok, maybe, I don't know, what would that be? Something fun, light and casual, like a side salad with dinner? Something that I could do in my free time, that wouldn't make me even more tired after working my 8 to 4 big person's job, like eating a side salad at dinner. Well, I think I've found it. It's all of those things and even under the table money. No, it's literally under the table money because the job is picking up change that find on the ground.

Boy, it's funny. Who would've thought that having less money would make me more stereotypically Jewish? Now, I'm about to talk to you all about loose change (the coins, not the 9/11 conspiracy documentary, although, I could talk to you about that too, if you want. I have thoughts. I'm a civil engineer). If this is the point on this ride where you get off, I understand. Close this blog and have a cookie. The rest of you hold on tight; we're going places (to look for change).

To Be Continued...

Checking In

May 23, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

So sorry, but things aren't going as originally planned. I'm busy, that's what? Oh, you didn't say anything. Cool. Anyway, the fourth installment of the month in the "versus" series is coming. It'll be next week. It needs more work. Think of it as a holiday surprise!. So this week, I'll just check in with you all. There is another Monday coming up, so I'm not worried. It's Memorial Day, but you don't need me to sit here and man-splain to you about how a calendar works. You get enough of that from the conservative liberal agenda on TV.

Don't be super jealous, but I just got back from Miami. I know, right? Liquid sunshine and liquid moonshine, that's what I say. I was there to see the iHeartRadio Summer Pool Party. My dumb brother won tickets over the radio or something. So we flew to Miami for the weekend and hung out at the Fontainebleau Resort. If you take all of the vowels out of that name, its just Fntnbl. But, I digress. It was everything I dreamed of and more. I definitely heart radio. It was sweet to hang by the beach, hang by the pool, and touch Flo Rida's sweaty arm. The risk of Mersa is worth it, I think. I ain't afraid of no staff (infection). The concert was one of the best I've ever been to, even when they threw inflatable pool toys onto the audience. Like big, heavy, four-person inflatable pool toys, ones that would knock your phone and your beer out of your hands. I knew a lot of the songs, which always makes it better. Not that I go to concerts where I don't know the songs, but still.

Once that drain on my wallet ended, I realized that I was feeling the burn. No, not voting for Bernie Sanders, actually feeling my sunburn. All the aloe in the world can't fix this red skin. My skin is so red (how red is it?), it's so red that it plays football for Washington, D.C. (Ba dum tsssss) This always happens. I guess I burn easy. You know what they say; if you can't stand the heat, get out of the sun.

So that's about it. I'll update you on my New Year's Resolutions below. Let's get to the summerin', that my motto right now. Peace!

1. Make a sweet Catch Me If You Can reference. (Completed)

2. Be a guest on someone else's podcast (Completed)

3. Release more episodes of my own podcast. (Completed - 5th is being released whenever)

4. Write a TV show pilot. (2 in progress)

5. Write a play.

6. Take sketch writing classes. (Completed 2)

7. Join an independent improv team. (Completed)

8. Join an independent sketch team.

9. Write my own sketch show.

10. Act in a sketch show.

11. Host an open mic.

12. Do a feature set of stand up.

13. Attend a live taping of Saturday Night Live. (Completed - Hell Yeah!!)

14. Release a book.

The Case of The Daily Show v. The Nightly Show

May 16, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

Recently, I had the opportunity to see both The Daily Show, with Trevor Noah, and The Nightly Show, with Larry Wilmore. Both shows are amazing to see live. But which one is better? Let's find out (said in Mr. Owl voice while licking a tootsie roll pop).

First, the Daily Show. Jon Stewart left Trevor Noah a show that really does measure up at least somewhat to the other show. It was fun to attend and I enjoyed seeing Ken Jeong as a guest. Ken's story is so cool. A doctor turned comedian. Just like me, except I'm a civil engineer. But essentially the same concept, professional turned naked man in the trunk of a car. The similarities are endless, but the main point is that I could do it. The funniest thing that Trevor did was during the Q&A, I thought. He answered a cultural appropriation question by saying that only in America do you have white people who want to be Black. In Africa, the white people are like "Nope, we're good."

Also, the joke writing is so solid and the delivery that Trevor has is really good. Any time you can bring an accent in that isn't your typical British one is refreshing and great. And they mentioned a story about Donald Trump taking people's urine samples and tailoring vitamins to them in what was the greatest pyramid scheme ever devised. I'm sorry, it's pronounced pee-ramid scheme. I tried to write a sketch about it for two weeks and nobody ever understood what I was talking about. That's the obscurity that the Daily Show has to offer. My own little moment of zen.

Now, the Nightly Show, which I was just at tonight...ly. I'll keep it 100 for this description. I really, really enjoyed it. The studio is small, as they always are, but the content is big (starring Tom Hanks). The warm up comedian stepped out and did his job well and he even handed out prizes, one of which was a nightly show shirt that I was lucky enough to receive. I got it because I could produce a condom from my belongings the fastest in front of a live audience. Ask me in person for the full, hilarious story. Needless to say, I never been happier to pull out a condom. Ever.

Once, Larry showed up, he did what Trevor did and answered questions. Then, the show started and it was all about Donald Trump. But, Trump is in the news. Hell, he is the news. So we really can't fault topical writers for going to what they know. They had a Trump impersonator, much like Anthony Atamanuik. He was good and really brought out a fun side to Larry that I haven't seen. Paul F. Tompkins was the guest, a true legend if I may say so myself. He is a great comedian worth checking out on almost every podcast available and I felt so proud when he said his favorite city to perform in was his home town, Philadelphia. Great job, Paul.

All in all, 10/10, would do both again. This is one of the big reasons that I moved here to NYC. To be able to do stuff like this. Go to work, see a show, go to bed, rinse, lather, repeat. See you next week, when I tackle money: Where is it and how do I get it? More on that later.

The Case of Sketch v. Skit

May 09, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

Alright, people. Listen up! This is gonna be another month of themed posts. Deal with it! If you don't like, don't read it.

Now that that's out of the way, I've got something to say. It's sketch, not skit. This is such a pet peeve of mine. (Side note: if I ever have a pet, like a dog or a cat or a bat, I'd name it Peeve. That way, it would be my pet Peeve. Right? Like my pet Bat Peeve! So cool.) You don't even know (but you will know if you keep reading). Let me explain the problem, so that we are all on the same page (of this SKETCH!!, not skit). There are two different words for short, written comedic pieces. There's sketch, you know, from sketch comedy, the overarching term for a genre of comedic entertainment, and then there's skit, you know, from that thing that your five year old nephew did at his kindergarten graduation, where he played the tree and had one line that was "Leaf me alone!" Ha ha. Remember that skit?

So, I've basically buried the lead and shot my wad way too early (if it's possible to do both, and let's, for the sake of argument, say that it is), but that's essentially the thesis of my rant. Always call any short form of comedy that you see on stage or television a sketch. It will make you sound smarter. On Sunday, when you watch the recap of SNL because you can't be bothered to watch it Saturday night because it hasn't been good since the 1970's, and you talk about the pieces afterwards with your friends, call them sketches. Do not, under any circumstances, come to your UCB Sketch 201 class and call an SNL sketch a skit. I will paper cut you to death. It's called sketch comedy, not skit comedy. It's called UCB Sketch 201, not UCB Skit 201. Bro, do you even write? What are you doing? If I was teaching the class, and someone said skit, I would mark them absent, even if they'd been there the entire time. Don't test me!

Now, I may never have written a good sketch, but I can honestly say I've never written a bad skit, or any skit, for that matter. I don't write skits. I write mediocre to terrible sketches where there are too many things going on at once. That's what I do. So you go ahead and work on your little skits and come back to me when you have sketches. I'll be waiting. Rant over.

Come back next week to see what I rant about then.

The Case of Swanky v. Schwanky

May 02, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

First of all, thanks for sticking with me last month. I got an idea to make up SAT math questions, and then decided to double down on it and commit to the rest of the SAT test. It was both strange and stressful. So to all of you who actually stuck with me, you are appreciated. I have no regrets. When I wrote the first one, I called myself a genius... out loud... to other people... in person. So I have no shame. None at all.

Now, recently, I've been hearing and sometimes using the word 'swanky,' usually in relation to my apartment here in New York. Swanky, for those who don't know, means stylish, luxurious, fancy, or posh, you know, like the Spice Girls (Scary, Baby, Sporty, Ginger, Swanky). It's not a word that I would normally keep in lexicon (after all, I use the word "lexicon"), but others have been using it around me and in conversation with me, so I've picked it up. I know, I know. Great power, great responsibility, blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to throw it around loosey goosey (Note: remove "loosey goosey" from my lexicon). I'm just noticing the word more and more.

That brings me to the issue at hand. Last week, I heard the word again. It was said by a woman sitting behind me to another woman sitting behind me. Fine, fine, I was eavesdropping. Are you happy now? Anyway, the one woman, who will remain nameless because I don't know her name, said it in a, for lack of a better word, swanky way. She said "schwanky." Think Mike Myers as Wayne from Wayne's World; Schwing!! That's not the right way to say it, is it? I'm new to this word, and I don't want to get it wrong (or use it at all). Maybe I won't use it. That solves my problem, right? But it's definitely swanky not schwanky. I think so. Also, she had an upper inflection on the end of the sentence like everything was a question. Upspeak, I believe?

This is, I guess, a silly debate (Silly Debate is my political sketch group). I'm going to arbitrarily decide that I'm right because who cares? I will never hear her again (hopefully). She doesn't bother me at all. For now, I will sit in swanky NYC apartment and try to figure out what I'm doing here. Maybe I'll update my lexicon. And by "update my lexicon," I mean watch porn.

SAT Prep for Comedians: Writing

April 25, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

OK! Here's the last lesson that I've got for my fellow comedians. I hope you've taken away a lot of good information from these tutoring sessions. Don't forget to Venmo me about $300 dollars (sorry, I don't tutor for cheap!)

Read each sentence carefully. If you find an error, select the bold part that is incorrect. Some sentences contain no error, in which case choose answer (e) (for Error does not exist).

Question 1:

Being not funny (a) is an enormous problem (b), it affects (c) many unnamed comedians citywide (d), and is an impediment to comedic progress. No error (e).

(a) (b) (c) (d) (e)

Question 2:

The engineer (a), who is renowned for his comedy (b), has designed (c) a very funny joke (d) about how women can't do comedy. No error (e).

(a) (b) (c) (d) (e)

Question 3:

The prop comic eluded detection that he wasn't funny by merely throwing a clock off stage and saying "Look at how time flies!"

(a) Look at how hands move (b) Look at how minutes pass (c) Look at how that face goes (d) Look at how clocks move (e) No Error

Alright, let's see how you did. In Question 1, the answer is (a). It shouldn't say not funny, it should say racist. Don't judge one another.

In Question 2, there is actually (e) no error. I can attest to the joke. It's super biting and super funny. It really speaks wonders about the correct inequality between men and women. (joking!)

Finally, the answer to Question 3 is technically (e) no error. But that joke is so tacky and out dated, right? I mean, it's a classic (in 1940! Zing!). But I kind of like it. It makes a fun play on words. I like words. Do you?

So there you have it. You are now ready for the SATs, a test that has changed so much since I took it and really doesn't matter for anything. But when I commit, I commit. So you should commit too. Be as smart as you want to be. Test yourself! In other words, get yourself tested (testes) today!

SAT Prep for Comedians: CRITICAL READING

April 19, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

SAT Prep again! This week, it's critical reading. Yeah, we all know you know how to write, but can you read and comprehend? Let's find out.

1) Johnny tried to tell his Donald Trump joke as if it was _________; we all know it was really _________, though.

a) controversial -- unfunny b) his own -- stolen c) topical -- incorrect d) terrible -- SNL worthy e) existential -- grounded in reality

2) The older comedian's dick joke fell flat; However, his anti-_________ joke hit really hard.

a) women b) black people c) Mexicans d) gays e) abortion

3) A female comedian slays at a bringer show. She crushes most of her competition, including the men. They take offense to that. Even though she was arbitrarily better, she is still bullied and called mean names out of the fear and insecurity of her male counterparts.

The primary purpose of the passage with reference to the society under discussion is to:

a) show the difference between boys and girls b) prove women are funny once and for all c) encourage more people to go to bringer shows d) discourage more people from going to bringer shows e) use big words like 'arbitrarily' and 'counterparts'

The word 'counterparts' (line 4) most nearly means:

a) waiters b) audience members c) male comedians d) therapists e) Uber drivers

Alright, let's discuss: Question 1 is fairly easy. All Donald Trump jokes have been made up to this point. Every. Single. One. There are absolutely no new ones to be made. That being said, the answer is clearly (b); he stole it.

Question 2 is a little hairier. Disregard the puns thrown in to the question and the beginning of this answer. They are misdirects because I like puns. The answer is actually (e). Trust me, it's a funny joke. I won't do it justice retelling it here because you need to see the act out of walking to the grocery store.

Question 3 is a two-parter. The first answer seems obvious: To prove once and for all that women are funny. But that's not true (Please do not write emails! I'm kidding!). The correct answer is (e) use big words like 'arbitrarily' and 'counterparts.' It shows off my innate perfect grasp of the Wnglish language. The second answer is pretty straight forward. You may be drawn to Uber drivers as an answer because they are everywhere, but in this context, (c) male comedians makes the most sense. Come to think of it, they are everywhere too. Go figure. Comedian is like the Uber driver of people jobs, or something like that.

Next week: Writing!

SAT Prep for Comedians: MATH

April 11, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

I took the SAT's twice. The first time, I studied really hard and got an 1880. The second time, I didn't study at all and got a 2060. A complete 180! Now, I'm not bragging; I'm merely pointing out the fact that sometimes, depending on the day, things happen that influence your score. It's completely arbitrary.

That being said, I know my stuff (800 on the math section of the SAT test (now I'm bragging!)). I want to help out my fellow comedians too! So, for the rest of this month, I'll be posting SAT prep questions for comedians. This week: Math!

Question: Jim hosts a free open mic on Tuesday nights. He can have, at most, 25 men sign up at 8:00 p.m. Those who pay $5 can choose between the first 5 spots. The rest go into a random lottery. How many different combinations of line ups can he have and how much money does he make? a) 3 x 10^20, $25 b) 3 x 10^21, $25 c) 3 x 10^20, $0 d) 3 x 10^21, $0

OK, on the surface, this question seems daunting and hard. But let's take a closer look at it. I would start by removing all of the unnecessary information. You don't need the Tuesday night or the 8:00 p.m. Get rid of it! That information is a lot like college; You don't need it. Don't be fooled by it's lure. That siren costs $100,000 paid out over the rest of your life. Don't be stupid. Also, you don't need the part about the men. That is assumed because, as we all know, women aren't funny. (That's a joke! No emails, please!)

Next, you can assume that about 80% of men at this mic are broke, since they want to be comedians. So that means that 80% can't pay $5 and 20% can. 20% * 25 = 5. So 5 people can pay. Well, that's just 5! (five factorial = 5*4*3*2*1 = 120), or how many different ways you can arrange 5 people. Then, the lottery is just a random ordering of 25 people less the 5 from the beginning, or 20! (20*19*18*17*16*etc...) as well. I know this is boring but trust me, this test determines the rest of your life. Take it seriously. So, at the end of this, you have 5! * 20! = 2.9195 x 10^20 line ups of not quite comedians waiting to tell their dumb jokes. And that's the answer!

But wait! Don't forget to read every question carefully. There's a second part. How much money does Jim make? That's easy, $25 right? Wrong! It's a trick question! The $25 goes back to the bar so that the mic can continue to be kept a free mic. So, the answer is 3 x 10^20 line ups, $0, or (C). When in doubt, it's always (C). So that's it! You're done.

Next week: Critical Reading!

Magic (Not the Gathering)

April 04, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

I like magic (the art, not the card game for nerds). I may have mentioned it before. I grew up going to magic shows and watching televised magicians, like Criss Angel and David Blaine. Magic on tv is fun because you don't have to actually do magic. The camera adds ten illusions, as they say. But magic in person can be, well, magical.

I've actually whipped my deck out and started playing with it again. It's like riding a bike; it started out a little shaky and I ended up with cuts on my hands. All in all, I'd say it was a success. I'm thinking about heading out in this big, unconquerable city and trying to do magic for money, on the street, like a street magician. That's what they are called.

The only thing that I need now is a street name to go by. Shulman seems too Jewish, like I'd make a coin disappear and not give it back. So, I've made a list below. Please vote and get back to me before the weather gets nice outside.

Possible names:

1. Chadbra Cadabra

2. Charlie Magic

3. Trick S.

4. Charlie Blaine

5. David Copperfield

6. Magic Mike

7. Tricks Magee

8. The Great Charlini

9. Deck Ridley

Please vote American Idol style, by calling random numbers and yelling one, two, three, and so on. You can also vote via Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat. Standard messaging rates apply. No purchase necessary. Contest ends when I say so.

In Sanity We Check

March 28, 2016 by Charlie Shulman

First, a little bit about this post title. I wanted to call this post "insanity check," like the opposite of sanity check. Then, I thought I'd add a 'we' in there because it seemed like the slogan on a coin, like "in God we trust." That makes sense, right? It made sense to me yesterday when I wrote it. Oh well!

When things get busy, it's important to remember to take some time to do something for yourself, or rather, for someone else. It feels so good to help others. It's a high that I think I will be chasing for the rest of my life, like that one time in Vegas that I did blow off of a hooker's forehead. Anybody know the statute of limitations on that? (Asking for the hooker.)

It really cleared my head and made me feel good. I could see the world a little clearer, I swear. I'm not trying to go all hippie jumbo jumbo here, just saying it's nice to step outside of your own way and focus on others.

It's that time of the month again. (No, not that time of the month; I'm a guy.) I mean it's time to talk about my period. Wait! Scratch that, it's those pesky New Year's Resolutions. Here they are, updated for your amusement.