Super Mundane Monday

How many times have you been asked this question: (No, not that question, this next question...) If you could have any superpower, what would it be? It's your standard pre-K through high school brain teaser, yes? Most people answer x-ray vision (which would be completely dangerous to those around you unless the x-ray vision came with lead vests), super strength (which you would need to have a pin point accurate control over just because you could potentially grab a baby to hold and end up crushing it), invisibility (which is a potential fire hazard because unless you are able to be passed through, someone could run into you, trip you and themselves, and get trampled in an emergency such as a fire), or the ability to fly (which, I don't have to explain to you, wouldn't work unless you have knowledge of the airspace and its regulations above you. I mean, you could ask Siri "Hey Siri, what planes are flying over head right now?" But that wouldn't necessarily permit you into the airspace.). I said each one of these at least three times throughout school, just to confuse others.

That aside, in all seriousness, I do have a superpower. I'm completely serious. I have what I'm calling Corner ESP. I know it sounds like a sports morning show, but let me explain. I have a very good sense of when people are walking around a corner. Like, you know when you are walking in a hallway and you come up to a corner, and you don't know if someone is going to come around from the other side and slam into you? I always know if someone is there. It's made walking in buildings a complete breeze. No longer are hallways a daunting maze full of terror and potential injury. And I know there are ways of explaining it, like my subconscious is sensing the air changing and light shadows on walls or whatever, but I'm going to continue to believe in my superpower.

I have learned to harness this power and use it for only good. With great power comes great responsibility. Uncle Ben said that to Spider-Man. And it always rings true. Because we all have superpowers, I think. And it's ok, they can be as mundane as Corner ESP, or as logistically complicated as flying (see above). Go out and figure out what yours is. And use it to the fullest. Be creative. Have fun. And save the world. (Boy this got inspirational, didn't it?)

Reader's assemble!!! 

Random Irrationality

I feel as though I would be doing my readers and fans (you know who you are) a great disservice if I didn't at least mention that today is in fact Pi Day, or as non-nerds call it, Monday. You see, today is March 14th, or as read on the bottom right corner of your computer screen, 03/14, as in 3.14, the digits of Pi. Now, it worked out last year that the next numbers, 1 and 5, matched Pi's digits, 3.1415. I think this year it matches better because going to a further decimal place you can see this: 3.14159265358979 rounds to 3.1416, or 3/14/16. Non-nerds refer to that as today. Boom! MInd = blown. 

Besides being Pi Day (I'll get back to that in a minute), I've been feeling really random lately. Let me tell you some quick stories:

Daylight Saving Time - Ha, more like dumblight saving time, am I right? (Gives self a high five!) I was completely thrown off this morning when I awoke to darkness. Also, I was dead tired leading up to going to bed last night, then got into bed, and instantly became more wide awake than a Katy Perry album. I believe the kids call it woke, yes? It was crazy. For some reason, I do my best idea generation when I'm brushing my teeth, in the shower, and getting into bed. So, as long as I'm constantly doing my bedtime ritual, I should continue to be a genius.

Greed Baguettes Greed - I was at the market making my way over to the baguettes, which have become a staple of my diet these days. All six baguettes stared at me with opportunity. An old lady rolled up next to me and took two and then told me to pick, so I chose one. Then I turned around and left. When I looked back, she had all four in her cart like it was just OK and normal to walk around with four baguettes in a grocery cart. Save some for the rest of us, lady! She also looked lost the entire time, which makes me think that she has dementia. She also has a whole lot of carbohydrates! Zing!!!

Here is one final thing. I wrote a song about Pi once. It's a parody of the intro, first verse, last verse, and outro of American Pie. It's too long to post here. If you want lyrics, let me know.

There we go. Just as random as Pi.

How To Waste Time At Work

Many of us have day jobs. Many of those day jobs are in an office building. Not the same office building, but a general office building in different U.S. locations. Anyway, I bet we've all thought the same thing at some point: What are the best ways to waste time at work?

Luckily for you, I've thought long and hard on this issue (wasting numerous minutes at work) and come up with some guaranteed ways to make those clock hands move faster than Hilary Clinton after she realized that Bernie Sanders might win the Democratic nomination. That's fast!

1. False Start

Here's something I'm calling the False Start. Picture this: it's the morning, and you know you want coffee or tea. But rather than get it on your own time, before work, why not get after you get to work, check in, and put your stuff down? That way, you can waste time by going back downstairs to the coffee place that you deliberately passed on the way in. That's like a whole ten minutes, just gone. Poof!

2. Reverse Pursuit of Happiness

Now, let's talk going to the bathroom. Instead of making #1 and #2 #1 and #2 on your schedule, when you wake up, respectively, save them until you get to work. That way, it looks like you're healthy and regular to all of your fellow workplace acquaintances. I'm also proposing the reverse Pursuit of Happiness. This is where, instead of drinking less water to be more productive, you drink a ton of water to be less productive and have to pee every hour. That's 30 minutes wasted (literally!).

3. Meetings

Try to go to all of the meetings that you can sneak into. They are like garbage disposals for hours of the day. If you're not a big part of the topic being discussed, you can simply sit back, relax, and watch the weather change outside. You can also soak in some knowledge, but that's purely optional.

4. Late Lunch Break

You gave to eat at some point, right? That's why I'm suggesting that you take lunch as late as you possibly can. That way, the day is more than half over. I suggest like 12:30 or 1:00 pm. There's alsosomething oddly satisfying and filling about a late lunch.

5. Podcasts

If you need something more audibly soothing and time-wastey, try downloading comedy podcasts. Any of the top ones on iTunes are great. Also, there is this one called Shulmania that my brother and I started. You could try that too! It's just us talking over each other while discussing a topic. There's even a special guest at the end. What could be better?

I hope these help your day move along. I know the clock tends to drag sometimes, but infusing a couple life hacks can really speed things up. Just a suggestion!

This is the inaugural episode of Shulmania, a podcast from Charlie and Joel Shulman. In it, they talk about performing and what it means to be a performer. At the end, a special guest stops by on his way to the Oscars!

One Small Blog For "Me", One Giant Leap Day For "Me"kind

Hey! It's a leap day. This should be a yearly holiday, or atleast and "every four yearly" holiday. We should get off from work, school, and places of worship. But alas, we don't and never will. But don't fret, because I come "bearing" good news. Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar!!!!! It happened! And all he had to do was fight a bear. It's really that easy. Check and check.

I've got a lot of ideas in the works right now, and I will roll those out as they happen. I'm trying to stay really busy (and succeeding). All good things. There's a new podcast coming, one that my brother and I are doing. Not quite sure how that will be available, but it will be soon. I'm excited about it. 

Also, it's the end of February. Wow, that was quick! (That's what she said!) So, as per the end of the month, I am updating my New Year's Resolutions list. Again, if you thought I wasn't serious, I totally was. Check out this updated list: 

1. Make a sweet Catch Me If You Can reference. (Completed)

2. Be a guest on someone else's podcast.

3. Release more episodes of my own podcast. (in progress)

4. Write a TV show pilot. (in progress)

5. Write a play.

6. Take sketch writing classes. (Completed)

7. Join an independent improv team. (Sort-of)

8. Join an independent sketch team.

9. Write my own sketch show.

10. Act in a sketch show.

11. Host an open mic.

12. Do a feature set of stand up.

13. Attend a live taping of Saturday Night Live. (Completed - Hell Yeah!!)

14. Release a book.

See you suckers in March!!  Giddy-up!! Yee haw! (rides horse off into the sunset...)

Taking a Stab at the Onion

This is my attempt to write an Onion article. If you are unfamiliar with the Onion, it is a satirical news source written by snarky millenials. "Write" up my alley!  Enjoy!

Shia Labeouf Spends 24 Hours in an Elevator, Claims That Fart Smell "Wasn't Him" 

This past Friday, notable actor/performance artist Shia Labeouf spent 12 hours inside an elevator before and after a speech at Oxford University in England. Students and spectators were allowed to cozy up to him and ask him their burning questions about film, television, and his career. Most ended up getting on the elevator and staring at their phones in silence. "It was relaxing," said a hungry and tired Labeouf. "I feel like it represents my career very well, you know, a lot of ups and downs."

This event comes comes just after he sat for 24 hours and watched all of his films in reverse order, all the way back to Even Stevens, arguably his best work. That event went so well that he decided to grab a coveted spot in an elevator and connect with fans. He made small chat, hugged them, and even slapped one in the face. Typical Labeouf. 

One moment, however, almost through a wrench in the entire demonstration. About halfway through the second 12 hour shift, Labeouf let out a little "LePoof." There's no denying it; it was caught on camera as everything was being recorded. He tried to cover it up by blaming it on an unsuspecting sophomore looking for an autograph, but no one bought it. "Ultimately, my Holes (starring Shia Labeouf) got the better of me and I passed gas. It's not the first time and it won't be the last," said a groggy, hungry Shia. 

Most students stayed clear of the elevator after that. "Celebrity farts are gross," said a super senior on his way to class. "I wouldn't be caught dead there longer than I need to." Labeouf's crowd diminished and he exited the elevator as scheduled, quickly ran to the bathroom, and then got food. "It was gratifying," he said. "I would do it again." As Shia exited the school, he took the brown paper bag that his lunch came in, dumped out the trash, placed it over his face, and got into a stretch limousine. Students and faculty will look fondly upon this day and remember it for what it was: a mild inconvenience. 

Tinder? I Hardly Know Her!

Kids, have I ever told you the story of how I married your mother? Really? I haven't? But you're like 13. It's never come up? Hmmm. Weird. Anyway, here it is, I guess, for the very first time.

It was a cold night in January. I was at home, in my bed and about to go to sleep, when I got the idea to swipe a couple girls left or right on Tinder. You've heard about Tinder in the audio textbooks, right? It was this old app that actually forced people to talk and then meet somewhere. You would see another person's picture and then swipe left or right, based solely on attractiveness, pure primal drive. Well, eventually, your mother's picture showed up, and I thought Sure, I'd fuck her, so I swiped right.

Well, unbeknownst to me, she had also swiped right, so we matched. Now, I'm not saying it was love at first swipe. Ha ha ha. We didn't know each other at all. I mean, I jerked off to her photo like six times before I even dug up the courage to message her. But we started talking, and you know, the rest is history.

Internet history, that is, because I scoured Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and even LinkedIn for any type of profile I could find on this woman. It's hard when you only know a first name. It really limits the online presence. I didn't even know her full name until we signed the marriage papers. It just never came up in conversation, and I never thought to ask. 

Our first date was a little weird. Have I told you about this? I guess I haven't. Well, I was a little low on funds at the time, and since I didn't even know the woman you now call your mother, I suggested that we split the bill. We're going Dutch, I exclaimed. Better call me the Flying Dutchman. She was not amused, but I got her back on my side with hours of more witty banter on Tinder. What a great app for witty banter!

All-in-all we managed to defy the public opinions of our friends and family and have actually stayed happily married, as you kids are aware. She said she was outdoorsy in her bio, and I said I was open to trying new things. It seemed like a perfect fit. She also said no hookups, as if every guy wants to hook up with her right away, but after getting to know her, methinks the lady doth protest too much. 

Well, I've successfully bored you kids for the last five minutes. That feels like long enough, doesn't it? Ha! Could you imagine if I did this for nine seasons at 22 episodes a season? Alright kids, go to bed. Happy Valentine's Day!

I Couldn't Curb My Enthuiasm

The three of you who actually read this blog every week may remember that about two months ago I waited in the Saturday Night Live standby line overnight for tickets to the dress rehearsal for the Tiny Fey/Amy Poehler/Bruce Springsteen show. I was 10 to 15 people short of getting in. And that overnight, outside, cold, on the street experience is grueling, to say the least (props to the homeless who do it daily). No logical person of their right mind would want to subject themselves to that again. Luckily, I'm neither of my right mind nor logical. So when I heard that Larry David was hosting SNL, I said "What do I have to lose?"

As it turns out, the answer is nothing. I waited for significantly less time than before, a mere 6.5 hours. The temperature was comparable to last time, maybe slightly colder. If I've learned one thing from all of the waiting that I've done, which is a lot because I used to caddy at a golf course over the summer, it's that the first six hours are fine. It's that last 30 minutes where I get ansy. But I did it, and I was 45th in line for the live show. 

At 11:00 pm on Saturday night, when I was standing in line at the NBC Experience Store and the NBC pages announced that they were taking the first 50 standby tickets, my heart sounded like a Dave Grohl solo. "This is it," I said, quoting the late Michael Jackson. I went through security, which I'd done before, only this time it was a little more strict because the secret service was there. Secret service? What? Is Bernie Sanders here or something? Next, I waited in a round room while they slowly let people into the elevators in groups of 10. Then, they let me in. I kept pinching myself and asking "What's happening?" Next thing I know, I'm out of the elevator walking down a hallway of SNL photos. Then, they sat me down in the theater. 

The Saturday Night Live theater is small. And they film different sketches in different sections of the theater. A small part of me kept thinking that it's almost better to watch it on TV, because that way you have a good view of everything. I strangled that part of me and threw him out of the 8th floor window of Rockefeller Center. There are cameras, people, and actors moving everywhere at all times. It looked like Penn Station, if Penn Station was a long running televised sketch show. 

As it turns out, Bernie Sanders was in the show, and much like his politics, his sketch was shot in the leftmost space in the studio. I mean, his sketch was so far left that everybody temporarily had free health care when they were in it. (Look! I'm a regular Bill Maher doing political comedy. Speaking of political comedy, the Republican Debate.)  

Overall, the show was brilliant. Seeing it live was very cool, and it was nice to breathe the same air as all of my idols. (Written down, that sounds creepy. What I think I mean is I want to hold them all hostage for days in my basement. Less creepy!) Anyway, I had fun. After seeing the show, for about an hour, I thought that I was just 'up,' and never going to sleep again. That turned out to be false. Wishful thinking. 

The cast is nice enough to take pictures with those who wait around afterwards. Waiting is my specialty (see above), so I got some good photos. That was pretty cool. And that's about it. 

Oh, and Super Bowl 50 was yesterday. Strange game. I haven't seen balls change hands that much since my last orgy, but hey, I'm not one to kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, and tell.  The halftime show was amazing, including Coldplay. I like Coldplay. Lady Gaga sang a rousing rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. It's pretty much hacky to talk about how she dresses, so based on yesterday's look, I'll say this. Lady Gaga: voice of angel, face of a lizard. Congratulations Denver!!

What Am I Doing Here?

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I'll say it now: I like to write. Sit me down with a computer and your favorite writing program, or a pencil and piece of paper, for that matter, and I'll be content. (If you don't know what a piece of paper and pencil are, ask your parents!) It's so much fun because there are no rules and endless possibilities. That kind of freedom is what life is all about, I think. Don't you?

That brings me to this. What am I doing here? Is this a very funny blog that a rotating handful of people read, or is this my online journal that a handful of people are privileged to read for free? I think that it's more of a weekly online journal that one day the "right" person will read. But what if I'm the "right" person, and it's not some Hollywood guy (I'm picturing Judd Apatow)? I think that might be what's going on here.  

Life is about a serious of risks that people take to try to achieve success, whatever that is. If you don't feel like at any moment everything around you could come crashing to the ground, then you aren't doing it right. That's what I think. 

I'm staying busy, which I like. Friday was my birthday. I'm now 24. If it sounds young, it is. If it sounds like I'm whining, I am. It's all of that jazz. Young, fearless, invincible. That's me. Dont forget to write and stay present. I'll talk you later, whoever you are.

Digging Out and Catching Up

If you're reading this on the East Coast, then you've survived the blizzard. Congratulations! If you're reading this on the West Coast, then you've had nothing to deal with this weekend and you are fine. Go enjoy your 70 degree weather. But us East Coasters are digging out from a massive blizzard that dumped upwards of two feet of snow onto us in about 24 hours. That's over an inch an hour, for those of you who can't math well. That's a lot of snow. A lot of fresh powder. That's a bring down a roof amount of snow, and a lose your small child amount of snow. Scary.

For much of the time that it was snowing, the blizzard created white out conditions. I mean, the East Coast is so white right now that it is being nominated for an Oscar. It's so white that Jada Pinkett Smith refuses to be here. It doesn't help that meteorologists gave the storm the whitest name ever, either. Jonas. Oh brother! Had it been named something like Jayquellin, then maybe it would have been better. But I don't know. I'm not a meteorologist. I'm just a Key and Peele fan.

I stayed in this weekend and tried to tackle the insurmountable mountain that is all of the television that I watch. I'd say that I climbed up halfway. Sunday, I ventured outside and walked around Central Park in the snow. That was nice. There were so many kids and parents playing in the snow.  People were doing everything that you could do in the snow (skiing, sledding, snowboarding, football, peeing, etc.). It was a really nice sense of community. Not much was plowed, but hey, I like exercise.

I think I'm gonna wear my boots to work this whole week. There is no dress code, so far as I can figure, so I should be fine. Hello, casual Tuesdays!

Oh, and one more thing. It's the end of the month, so let me catching you up on my list of New Year's Resolutions. Remember these? If you thought I was messing around, I wasn't. Here's what I've done so far.

1. Make a sweet Catch Me If You Can reference. (Completed)

2. Be a guest on someone else's podcast.

3. Release more episodes of my own podcast.

4. Write a TV show pilot.

5. Write a play.

6. Take sketch writing classes. (Completed)

7. Join an independent improv team. (Sort-of)

8. Join an independent sketch team.

9. Write my own sketch show.

10. Act in a sketch show.

11. Host an open mic.

12. Do a feature set of stand up.

13. Be to a live taping of Saturday Night Live.

14. Release a book.

Have a good week. Keep on digging out.

Late to the Internet

I'm not a hypochondriac, but what are the symptoms because I think I may have something. Now, normally, I'm the first person to think that that cut on my finger is cancer. I don't need Web M.D. to confirm that (although they do so without a doubt every time). What I need to do is just relax. Don't yell at me, it's harder than it sounds. To be able to fully relax, that's the goal one day. One day I'd like to be so relaxed that even my handwriting looks like it went to sleep. 

I really want to try meditation. All I need to do is just sit somewhere and focus on my breathing. Not on like a crowded train, but more like by myself in my bed room. But then are a lot of different things that I can do in my bedroom to try to relax. I could just sit and blog for hours.

Speaking of that, I was cleaning out my room at home this weekend, and I found a lost paragraph in my book about blogging. I've included it below, and will add it as an addendum to the book, which is not yet published. Here it is: 

Blogging: Part 4

You know, when I first started blogging, I actually didn't know what I was talking about. I didn't have much experience. I'm what you would call "late to the internet." But since then, I've done it every week, sometimes multiple times a week, and I love it. It's really helped me release some things. And I think people like it when I do it. They like to look at what I've made, ruminate on it, and share it with the world. Their is no greater accomplishment than spreading your seeds of knowledge, wit, and ideas into the world. Now, I will say this; A lot of what I blog goes right into the trash can. But that's part of the process. One day, some idea will stick and the world will change forever. But alas, that is not today. But when it comes, it will be "oh so good!"