More Powerball

Well, I didn't win the Powerball jackpot this past weekend, so that meant that today I had to go into work and apologize to everybody that I flipped off and cursed out. When I think about how personal I made the attacks, I get sick to my stomach. Anyway, they were good sports about it, and I can't wait to do it again on Thursday when I burn all of my bridges on Wednesday.

For most, playing the lottery is the exact definition of insanity: doing something over and over again and expecting different results. With the jackpot so large (1.3 gabillion dollars!), everybody and their brother thinks they have to play and grab a piece of that action. This makes everyone everywhere talk about the Powerball. News stations won't shut up about it, math professors teach it in school, and gambling addicts throw their life savings at it (but to be fair, they do that anyway all of the time, so they don't know any different.) I mean, people have actually stopped talking about Making a Murderer to talk about the Powerball. Now that's dedication. I'm even talking about it right now to you!

What does all of this mean? That's a big question I'm not qualified to answer yet. Oh? You mean the Powerball? It means that many of us are encountering the numerous stereotypes that emerge from the downtrodden woodwork to take a small shot at too much money to fathom. (What is 1.3 billion? I can't picture 1.3 billion of anything, let alone cold hard cash.) Let me describe them to you, although I'm confident you've already bumped into most of them.

The Virgin: He (or she) is someone who's never played the lottery before and is being roped into it at work for some stupid pool. He (or she) puts the money in reluctantly and keeps asking "How does it work?" while refusing to understand it each time you explain it.

The Know-It-All: They have all of the facts about the lottery, right to the down to when it was very big the last time and who won, what the odds of each outcome happening are, and how many things you could buy with all of the money. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

The Cynic: This guy thinks the lottery is just a tax placed on stupid people, only because he's never won it before. He's tried and lost once or twice, and that was enough to sour him on it for good. He'll never participate in your silly office pool. He's too smart with his money for that.

The Planner: This person knows exactly how they will spend the money, right down to the last penny. And they aren't shy about telling you either. Don't worry, they are giving some to charity. It's just not enough to make you stop asking "Are you selfish?"

The Way-Too-Enthusiastic Girl: This girl has enough energy to make the lottery balls bounce around in the machine. She wants to know every number your playing and why you're playing them. She's not playing at all, she just wants to live vicariously through you. (and, of course, split the money!)

There you have it. As the great Christopher Walken once said, "I've got a fever. And the only prescription, is more Powerball."

Please play responsibly.*

*Gambling problem? No, I have no problem gambling.

New Year, New Elements

Happy New Year!!!

Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to get technical, if I may (not actually asking your permission, it's just a saying). I've been known to enjoy the sciences every now and again (this is just the first you are hearing about it). I'm a fan of mathematics, physics (regular and quantum), biology (macro and micro), geology (big rocks and small rocks), astronomy (big stars and small stars), astrology (big mediums and small mediums), but the one I've always rebelled against is chemistry. I mean, I'm more of a rebel than Rebel Wilson. I'm more of a rebel than Anakin Skywalker in a room full of little padawans. I'm more of a rebel than a positive electron in a room with another positive electron. (Wait! I'm being informed that the "correct" word is 'repel.' Ugh, but if I change it, then the whole joke is ruined. So I'll leave it in, and I'll let the two people who read this every week attack me anonymously over the internet.) See, I know chemistry!

But what I want to share is actually not my doing at all. Scientists in Russia, Japan, and America have discovered four super-heavy chemical elements to finally complete the seventh row of the periodic table. (How heavy are they? They are so heavy, it takes four body builders to lift one element onto the lab table. They are so heavy, Joel and Ethan Cohen are writing a movie about them. They are so heavy, when they sit around the house, they sit "around" the house. It's pretty impressive to see that, even in 2016, we are still filling in the periodic table and making the education of our children more complicated. (Back in my day, we only had to worry about a couple elements on our walk to school: cold and heat. And it was uphill both ways!)

And speaking of impressive things, I'm so glad that scientists are considering more modern names for these elements. It's about time we have elements with names that we all understand. Don't believe me? I'll share the names with you below:

113 - Ununipadium

115 - Ununadeleium

117 - Ununstarwarsium

And of course 118 - Ununtrumpium.

And just remember, these elements only last for a split second before decaying into other elements. 

New Year, New You

Well, it's almost New Year's Eve (©Ryan Seacrest), which means 2016 will be upon us faster than Donald Trump on a Muslim. And with New Year's Eve (©Ryan Seacrest) comes the new year (a leap year, in fact). And with the new year comes New Year's Resolutions. I've made them. You've made them. He, she, we've made them. But this year is different (that's what I said last year). This year I'm making a list (and checking it twice... whoops! Wrong holiday!) and I'm going to stick to it. Some of the goals are simple, some are not. That's the fun part. It will be exciting, full of surprises, like when a man with a guitar steps onto the subway car. You don't what's gonna happen. Can he sing? Does he know the words? Where did he get that guitar? You'll just have to wait to find out.

My aim is to try to accomplish as many of my goals as I can. If you would like to help out in any way, please do not hesitate to do so. If you would like to hinder my process in any way, please hesitate to do so. I do not need haterz (©Taylor Swift). You can all "Go flog yourselves," as Tom Hanks says in the TV version of the movie Catch Me If You Can.

I've listed my goals below, and will be posting monthly updates about my progress towards them. Here they all are:

1. Make a sweet Catch Me If You Can reference. (Completed)

2. Be a guest on someone else's podcast.

3. Release more episodes of my own podcast.

4. Write a TV show pilot.

5. Write a play.

6. Take sketch writing classes.

7. Join an independent improv team.

8. Join an independent sketch team.

9. Write my own sketch show.

10. Act in a sketch show.

11. Host an open mic.

12. Do a feature set of stand up.

13. Be at a live taping of Saturday Night Live.

14. Release a book.

This list will be updated throughout the next year. Check back in with me. I plan on really going for things. Have a safe, happy, and healthy New Year. Let's bring in 2016 right!!!

Saturday Night Line

This past Friday/Saturday, I did something that I've only seen and heard about, but never experienced. I tried to get a ticket to see Saturday Night Live by waiting in the standby line from 8:45 p.m. on Friday until 7 a.m. on Saturday. It was the Tina Fey/Amy Poehler/Bruce Springsteen holiday episode. Are you curious how it went? If you are, don't worry, I'm going to explain everything. If you're not, stop reading now and have a Happy Holiday Fun Time (which is my politically correct version of Merry Christmas!)

I started my young Padawan journey by doing some recon when I got off of work on Friday. I went to Rockefeller Center and spent 30 minutes trying to find the line. The line was harder to find than Waldo in a Where's Waldo puzzle. It starts at about the Nintendo Store on 48th Street, between 5th Avenue and 6th Avenue, and extends down 48th Street towards 6th Avenue. If you're not familiar with the area, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree can be seen from standing at the Nintendo Store and looking perpendicular to 48th Street. So it's a busy area. It's busier than a Where's Waldo puzzle. Its even busy when the tree's lights are turned off at 1:00 a.m. I talked with the first people in line, who showed up on Wednesday. That's commitment. I wish I could do that, but I have a job, and also I can't take time off for another three months. Then, I talked with the last person in line, affectively covering my basis. He seemed like a tool. The line at that point was at the intersection of 48th Street and 6th Avenue.

I went home and got some stuff ready (a sleeping bag, blanket, pillow, book, food, water, etc.) and I headed out. My friend was supposed to meet me there, but she got there about an hour and fifteen minutes later than me. It's amazing that the people behind me let her in line. But anyway, when I got there, the line was on 6th Avenue moving towards 49th Street. I was told that I was 124th in line. That doesn't seem exactly right to me, but I was probably like 100th to 120th. Get it right!! And so I began to wait, making friends with everybody around me in line during the process. Nice people, good folks. My friend showed up (finally) and we hunkered down to wait on the street, homeless person style. I looked at is as practice for when I'm broke in a couple of months and I have to sleep on the street anyway. 

Now, it is a well known fact that people love lines. You're a person reading this right, right? You know what I'm talking about. You love lines. (The only lines that people like are lines of cocaine and lines from movies/tv.) What I'm trying to say is that everybody and there mother (brother, sister, and father) will come up to you and ask "What is everyone waiting for?" It took some real constraint not to screw with people and say stuff like "that inevitable last moment, same as you" or "to use the bathroom" or "a blood drive." And when you tell them that it's SNL, they say "Oh? Who's hosting?" And when you answer that they go "Oh?! Bruce Springsteen! Wow!" Bitch! We are not here to see Bruce. Tina and Amy are hosting!!! But whatever. The homeless people walked by and just glared at us, probably because we stole their spots or something, I don't know. I managed to sleep a good deal, like 3 hours or so, just by lying on the cold hard ground (cue 'goat scream'). It honestly was not as bad as I thought it would be. 

At 6 a.m., they woke us up and made us pack up our things. Then, they condensed the line and we stood until 7 a.m. After that, NBC pages came out and started handing out tickets. Now, they wrote them from the front of the line and the back of the line, because it doesn't matter what ticket number you are, jut the order that you're in. When they get to you, they force you to make the most important decision of your life: Poehler or Fey? Nah, they do ask about Live or Dress Rehearsal, though. There are perks to both, but I chose dress, for the better chance of getting in and the more sketches and Weekend Update jokes. We got numbers and we were told to be back by 7 p.m.

-----SLEEP!-----

We got there before 7 p.m. because the early bird gets the worm (I'm the bird, a seat is the worm). Next, we were packed like sardines in a winding queue that was tighter than Tuco's meth on Breaking Bad. Then, at about 7:30 p.m., they let 20 people through, then 20 more, then 20 more. I was in that last group of 20. We we're brought to some security guards and a metal detector to make sure we weren't carrying any backpacks. Finally we were about 10 people away from going up a staircase when a man who looked like a fat James Bond came down and said they just seated the last five people. Aww, rats!!!

So, it turns out it was all for naught. But, it's an NBC Experience, and not just because we were in the NBC Experience Store, but because it taught me what to do now. When I do it again, I won't be such a line baby (that's a phrase in trying to start, get it trending).

This is what I leave you with. Next week is the last post of 2015. Can you believe the year is over? I can't. It feels like just yesterday it was last year. Maybe not. Happy Christmas!!! (That's my un-politically correct way to say Merry Christmas!)

Confidence

First things first, the show went well. Here's a photo: 

I'm all the way in the back, you can't really see me. 

Now, today I want to talk about confidence. No, not confidants, that's some Golden Girls shit. Confidence is how sure you are about something. It's what allows me to be in the middle of the subway, playing an instrument, while an inconvenienced New York crowd looks on.

You should approach everything you do with a medium to high level of confidence. Like ordering food at a crowded restaurant. Don't be afraid to step up and say "Hi! I'll have everything on the left side of the menu. Which ones of those have cheese in them? I don't want those." Just be sure of yourself.  

Decisiveness is confidence with a purpose. I have problems being decisive. No, wait, I don't... Aw who am I kidding? Yes I do. I'm awful with giving directions or finding a place to go. And I know Google has made it so easy for me get around by tapping on a map of wherever I am. But it hasn't helped. Just ask anybody who needs directions from me, if you can find them. I'm pretty sure they are all still lost. 

Maybe I'm confusing confidence with assertiveness. Is that a thing? Like speaking up and saying what you want. Oh, and if you believe hard enough, there are no rules. Remember, it's better to ask for forgiveness, than beg for permission. You look like a noob doing that. Just go out and get what you want from life. Be confident in everything that you do. Confidence. C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E. Confidence.

Thats correct, Charlie! 

Yes!!!! 

"Haha"nukkah!

First, an update! My band, Train Trombone, has a show tomorrow in the Penn Station subway system at 5:42 P.M. Guess which instrument I play! Spoiler alert: it's the bassoon. We will be located right next to a pile of throw up. Check us out. We go on right after the Fab Tuba Four, an all tuba-playing Beatles cover band.  Should be fun!

Second, to all of my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah, and to all of my Christian friends, Happy Monday.  May your week be filled with joyous fun, presents, and oily foods, and may your week be somewhat tolerable, respectively. The holiday season is officially upon us now, I can feel it.

Finally, my open mic game has been strong here in New York. I'm trying to do as much free stuff as I can, like free improv and free stand up. It's easier to find than you think. I'm enjoying it. It's weird and exciting.

That's about it for this week. Hanukkah will last through next Monday, so maybe next week I'll tell you a story. We'll see. Have a good week!

Price Check

Well? Did you do it? Did you eat like it was your last meal? I did. I went back in for seconds, thirds, and finally blacked out having my fourth helping. I'm not sure how I got home that night. At one point, I literally burped and tasted turkey in my mouth for like two hours. Madness! Pure, delicious, turkey filled madness. And it's all thanks to the pilgrims. Wow!

And did you also Black Friday shop? Or are you more of a Cyber Monday kind of guy (or gal)? I haven't done either because I'm broke, but I'm gonna guess that you... went Black Friday shopping. See? I know you better than you know yourself. What did I do, you ask? I went to work on Black Friday. So, instead of losing money, I made some. Nice!

Are you listening to Christmas music? I've been listening to it since the beginning of November. I like to go straight from Halloween to Christmas, and then celebrate Thanksgiving, or as I call it, Christmas Lite, right in the middle. I'm an early adopter of Christmas tunes. You know what I like? The songs are short. They are short and catchy. And you can't sing them in a bad mood because the content is so ridiculous. A magical dancing snowman? A very obese man flying in a sleigh giving out free presents? A very cold, snowy night where you've tricked a woman an trapped her inside your house in order to have sex her? These are not the things that nightmares are made of. (Well, maybe that last one is. Who wrote that song, Bill Cosby? Bazinga!!) I consider any dream where there isn't a snowman, a present, and/ or a woman trapped against her will to be a bad dream. And I consider any dream where there is just a snowman to be a wet dream. Bazinga!!

Stay tuned for an update in the coming weeks. I've got big plans for December. If you want to give to charity, I take cash, checks, money orders, Venmo, Snapcash, Twitter Glitter, Facebucks, and BitCoin. Basically, anyway you get money to me, I will accept. I'll even take counterfeit money. Because if it looks like buck, smells like a buck, spends like a buck, what is it

Happy Holidays!!!

Thankless is More!

We've entered that special time of the year. That time of the year when every radio station switches over to Christmas music, in honor of Thanksgiving. Yes, I'm talking about the holiday season. And by holiday season, I mean Christmas season. The one true holiday. The only holiday that matters. The holiday celebrating the birth of a Jewish guy that really took place in the summer. But, I digress.

What are you thankful for this year? If you answered Adele's new album, good answer. Me too! If you said Donald Trump's presidential run, good answer. You get irony. Nice work! If you said a fall with very mild temperatures, good answer. You're right, it has been mild! All things that we should be thankful for.

If I can get real for a second, though, I'm most thankful for all of the opportunity that I've been afforded this year. In the beginning of this year, I was a mere scared little guy about to take an improv class, and since then, I've done improv and sketch comedy all over Philadelphia and now stand up at open mics in New York City. What a difference a year has made! I would like to extend a huge thank you to all of the wonderful people that I've met and become friends with over the past 10 months. You people all mean so much to me, both individually and as a whole community. Thank you especially to the Philadelphia Improv Theater, for letting me be weird and creative. I couldn't have done it without you. You made the pilgrims proud this Thanksgiving. (That's how Thanksgiving works, right guys?)

In conclusion, stuff yourselves so full of turkey that you get cramps Black Friday shopping later that night. Or, you can gorge yourselves, sleep soundly, then wake up and go to the Philadelphia Improv Theater and watch 38 straight hours of comedy. Who knows? You might even run into a familiar face or two! (wink!)

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!

"New" York City

Ok, I spent a full week here and I've already seen so much. I seen famous people, a Broadway show, and all sorts of comedy. Also, I've joined two subway bands and have been playing drums, and backup tuba, which is cool. Look for my bands, C Train Flat and MetroNotes!  

Life on budget has been good too. I'm cooking all of my own meals and packing peanut butter and jelly for lunch. It's great not having to buy lunch out. Now listen, I know there are cheap ways to eat, like pasta and ramen. But I've made a strong pact never to eat ramen noodles. I have a strong aversion to it. I've never tried it, and I've never had it in college. I want to be on my death bed, surrounded by friends, family, and devoted fans, with my arms crossed and my head all peaceful looking. Then, I want to cough, turn my head, and begin to say "My biggest accomplishment,... (cough) was never, ever, not even for one second, thinking about making myself,... (cough) a big bowl of...... (flatline noise) CLEAR!..... (beep) (beep) ramen noodles!" That's how I see it, anyway.

Oh yeah! The jobs ok too. Have a good week. 

New Phone! Who dis?

Recently, I sat down and conducted an interview with the first person who texts you whenever you get a new phone and don't know who anyone is based on their numbers. His name is Dis. He is actually a really solid dude. I did this interview as part of my new exposé series called "People Say I'm Talking Funny." Let's make this a monthly thing, maybe. Here's the talk.

Me: Hello. Thanks for coming.

Dis: No problem. I'm happy to be here.

Me: Good. I know you don't usually do interviews, you prefer texting, right? This really means a lot.

Dis: That's right. I do. But you offered me so much money that I couldn't resist.

Me: People don't need to know that.

Dis: Sorry.

Me: How do you always know who has a new phone? And like how do you know their numbers?

Dis: I didn't always know. One day, I got bored, and texted "Hello" to a random number. The person replied "New phone. Who dis?" and I got the idea to make it my mission to seek out those who have a new phone and become this character of Dis. I hacked into AT&T and Verizon and stalked their phone records.

Me: So Dis is a stage name? What's your real name?

Dis: I'd prefer not to say.

Me: Fine. I won't press you. 

Dis: Thanks. It keeps things anonymous.

Me: Why do you feel the need to hide?

Dis: Well, I'm stealing information from major cellular service providers, so it wouldn't be too good if they knew who I was. And I don't like being recognized in public.

Me: Makes sense. I don't like to be recognized in public either.

Dis: Are you recognized a lot?

Me: No. But if I was, it would be a huge pain. What's the most rewarding part of you doing what you do?

Dis: I like connecting with people, regular everyday people, you know. I like connecting with them personally, over cell phone texting. It's so much better than the internet.

Me: Who are your idols? Like who do you look up to?

Dis: I really love kids who always text because they do it so fast. God, they're quick. They're fingers move like they're on speed. That's some adderall shit. And I also look up to grandparents, because they don't know when the appropriate time to text is. So, you'll get something at like 5:30 in the morning saying "I love you." and it's perfect. 

Me: So, the young and the old? I guess that answers my question.

Dis: I'm sorry, but I have to go. I was just looking at the records and I have to text a girl in Texas. This was fun.

Me: Thank you for you time, Dis.

Dis: Yeah, ok......... (texting and walking away)