I'm a La-Z Boy

Tonight's post is brought to you by the number 315, Sesame Street style. What does 315 mean? Guess. Try again. Ok, now you're answers are beginning to sound stupid, so I'll tell you.  Today is the 315th day of the year. Keep it simple, stupid. Now, if I'm writing about the number of what day it is out of the year, that means that I've usually got nothing to talk about. But that's not true. Can't I just sit here and type? No. Oh, ok, well, umm.....ughh.....like....How was your day? Oh boy, this isn't going great. But here's the thing: I'm lazy. Are any of you lazy? I think maybe you are a little. We all are. And you know, I've been meaning to be proactive, but then I just sit there. If you haven't guessed it, it's word association day here on www.peoplesayimfunny.com. I feel like I'm doing an improv monology about lazy now. When I think of lazy I think of recliners, cause of La-Z Boy sofas. And that makes me think of watching TV. Currently, I'm catching up on episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. Check it out. Lots of celebrities and guests. They do weird and funny bits. Like seeing through tortilla shells. Lazy. And scene.....

The Cotton Anniversary

People, I almost dropped the ball!!! Guess what I realized earlier today at lunch when I said aloud for the first time that I didn't have a blog post ready for tonight? I realized that it's the first Monday in November. I assume that this means nothing to you. But for me, I think back to two years ago, when, on the first Monday in November, I introduced you to blogging. Two years ago, when I said to myself "Charlie, you like to write funny things and you should start doing so every week. Might be nice to set a schedule for yourself." Two years ago, when I responded, "Good, idea Charlie. I think I will do that. You're so wise and intuitive." 

If you've been reading from the beginning, I would like to say thank you. If you just started reading, I would like to say welcome. If you started reading somewhere in the middle, I would like to say welcome and thank you. A lot has happened in the past two years, much of it in the past year, for that matter. A year ago, I was writing on Blogger for free, and now I'm using SquareSpace, through which I own the domain www.peoplesayimfunny.com. I own that domain! How cool is that? 

Funny is subjective. I'm going to say maybe half of the posts on here are funny (maybe). I don't know what you find funny. What I do know is that I don't have to love lasagna to tell you that Monday's are the worst. What I'm aiming to do is sharpen my skills and give you a smile. A smile, not a belly laugh. (Extra points to those of you who belly laugh.) Isn't that a good idea? Smiling after a hard day. Side Note: To those of you who read this on Tuesday, you're doing it wrong. 

I've spent two years now trying to develop a unique voice with which to write. I'd like to think I'm well on my way to doing so. In fact, if you know me, you are probably reading this in my voice in your head. I have to imagine that it's almost as awkward as speaking to me in person. Almost. Because the problem with reading this in my voice is that you don't know where to put the correct inflection on certain words. HAHAHA! Just kidding, I never spoken with any sort of inflection. Far be it from me to ever emote. The point is I appreciate you being here while I try to find my voice. I really do.

From this point forward, it's full steam ahead. This train is not stopping, it's accelerating. Two years is nothing. Talk to me when we are at 20 years. Or when someone discovers me, whichever comes first. Honestly, I'd be fine with either, as long as it's the second one. But again, this really isn't for my reader(s) or fan(s). It's for me to try to write comedic posts every week. It just happens to be publicly readable. I'm glad that people do read it, because feedback is always appreciated. And I'm glad that still, two years later, people say I'm funny. 

For the Hallo"win"

It's that time of the year again. That time when people dress up and pretend to be someone else. It's just like cosplay, except this time even cool people do it. Yep, it's Halloween, a time when less clothes mean a costume. My costume this year is great; I'm going to be a slutty blog writer. What I'm trying to say is that it's that time of year when every night is Friday night on AMC. And ABC Family plays a bunch of Halloween themed kid's movies. But the moral of the story is that you should have fun with Halloween. It's pumpkin season. You can't pass a Starbucks without knowing that. And it's hard not to pass a Starbucks (they're everywhere). This actually reminds me of the time that I was in a Starbucks and saw a couple covered in tattoos. But this woman had all three witches from Hocus Pocus on her back. Like really big, straight across the top. Sarah Jessica Parker, Bette Midler, and the other one. Staring at me. Looking into my soul. I don't know where this is going, but I was reminded of it. Happy Halloween. It's a scary good holiday. 

Pandora

Sometimes, I listen to Pandora Radio, which is a FREE internet radio service. Once again, it's FREE. I am not about to complain as if it's a service I pay for. That being said, here's my beef. I'll go on, and I'll make a station based on an artist. For example, let's use Mumford and Sons. Ok? Hit play. "And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you." That's great. Thumbs Up. That song ends, and now what do I want to hear? Roll Away Your Stone. But what comes on? Home, by Phillip Phillips. If I wanted to hear Phillip Phillips, I'd watch American Idol. And no one wants to do that. No! Bad Pandora! Ugh. But, there is a silver lining, because the Musical Comedy radio station is pretty good. Pretty good, but not perfect because every so often, a Daniel Tosh stand-up bit will come on. It's not hard to realize what happened, though. You know that algorithm that says that "All musicals are gay, but not all gays are musical?" Pandora mixed it up and as a result, I get Tosh's stand-up. He's not musical. Hahaha, silly Pandora. In conclusion, can someone fix that?

 

I'm not narcissistic, but...

• I do think everybody is always talking about me all of the time.
• I have to refrain from liking every single one of my statuses, posts, and tweets.
• the one person that I would like to eat dinner with, if I could eat dinner with anybody, would be older me. 
• Hollywood stole the rights to my life and made the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I have yet to see a single royalty check.
• I'm pretty sure every girl I meet is "in to" me.
• when I get a compliment, I'll shrug it off to see if I can get another one. 
• if I make a joke and nobody hears it, I know at least one person heard it. 
• I've yet to read a fortune cookie that doesn't directly apply to my life. 
• I really am a huge fan of myself.  

Random Writing

Where does the time go? My guess is into the past. My point is that this will be random. Here are lines I've written that have yet to fit somewhere, but have a certain ring to them:

"that moment when you doodle in your notebook and it looks like a swastika"

"Religion is something that I'm always misplacing. I'll find it every now and again, and then quickly forget where I put it." 

"Macklemore is like a white Eminem." 

"The Wizard of Dr. Oz" 

"luck of the iPod" 

"write fan fiction about Stu Pickles" 

"I have a very low tolerance for large amounts of alcohol... in other people." 

I'm Not A Jew, I'm Jew-ish...

I come from a long line of Jews who complain about long lines. Just a funny background statement. Anyway, I was walking home on Sukkot. What's Sukkot? Sukkot, or Sukkos for all you suckas out there, is the Jewish festival of the harvest, the feast of tabernacles. So I'm walking home and I saw a Sukka. I know, right? A Sukka on Sukkot? What are the odds? About as much chance as a bear shitting in the woods. A Sukka is a shack-like structure built in the middle of a field or campus, for all you nerds out there. Inside a Sukka, one usually sees fruits, vegetables, and Jews. So I'm just a lonely passerby, and no sooner do I begin to pass the Sukka, when two Jews emerge like bees from a hive, which is weird because they're not WASPS, they're Jews! One goes away from me, one comes towards me. He approaches me and asks "Excuse me, are you Jewish?" I clasp my hands to my nose and scream "No!" but its too late. I've been found out. Call the vacuum repair guy. He beckons for me to take what's in his hands. There's a lulav and an etrog. Time Out!! Now, a lulav resembles a piece of bamboo. And an etrog looks like a bumpy pear. I grasp the two plants, and begin to rub them together, to make a baby lultrog, I presume. I rub and rub, like a cricket, and I pray and pray, like a praying mantis. My enlightened soul floats like a butterfly and stings like an atheist. I return to my body. I had been reciting prayer and feel clammy. He takes the plants back and thanks me. I walk away, feeling like a Jew-ish person, betrayed by my own nose. 

Vince Gilligan's Island

(Parody of Gilligan's Island)

Just sit right back 

And you'll hear a tale

A tale of a meth based cook, 

That started in Albuquerque, 

Aboard an RV’s nook.

The chef was an ailing teachin’ man,

The student filled with dread, 

Five short seasons began that day, 

When Crazy Eight was dead, 

Crazy Eight was dead.

The business started getting rough, 

Some mercury was tossed.

If not for the lying of ol’ Heisenberg,

The money would be lost.

The money would be lost. 

Two planes crashed above his house 

When he let Jane choke on her bile

Vince Gilligan, 

You crazy fool,

This millionaire

Made from crime,

Has gone too far, 

The professor has broken bad, 

On Vince Gilligan's Isle.

 (Ending verse)

So this is the tale of our antihero, 

The DEA has to find.

Hank will have to use evidence 

To get inside Walt’s mind.

The mad man and his student have

Gone their separate ways, 

From actions unforgivable

Like poison on Brock’s lunch tray. 

No Gus, no Hank, no Boetticher, 

Not a single live body

Like Robert Kirkman drew

They’re all as dead as can be.

All bad things must come to an end, 

But it’s sure been worthwhile, 

From now on we’ll all tread lightly

On Vince Gilligan's Isle!

The Fall Begins Now

Whoa, is it Monday already? It seems like just yesterday that it was Sunday. Hmm. Fall started yesterday. Do you sometimes feel like fall is sprung upon us out of nowhere? Nah, me neither. Is it ok if I ramble tonight? I didn't really prepare much and got caught doing other work, so now I feel really unprepared and whatever. I'll just talk like this until I get tired of writing. That's fine, right? To have not prepared anything? I have next week's post in mind, if that's any consolation. No, I guess it isn't, you're right. Great, now I'm anticipating what you're thinking while you read this. Was I right? What am I asking you for? I can't hear what you say. Is everyone busy, or is it just me? I think everyone is busy. I'm probably gonna stop. There's like a ton of TV on to watch. Don't I have work, you ask? Yeah, but, TV, work, TV, work, TV, work........TV wins. 

Blogging: Part 3

Hey guys, guess what? I've recently come upon a lost page from my book about blogging. I found it under my bed next to an empty tissue box. Isn't that weird?Here's what it says:

 Blogging: Part 3

The secret to being a good blogger is to be quick but efficient. It may take a little stimulation to get started, but that's the nature of the activity. Everybody blogs differently, you know. People can be real jerks about it, but just keep going. The naysayers may spew there white hot rage at you, but it's all about that moment when you release your post. It feels so good. Whether you were last in your class or you graduated summa cum laude, you have the right to blog whenever you want to, even on airplanes. Get started today.