LA: Part 2 - Coulda, Shoulda, Hollywooda

Alright people, I finally did it. I made it out to L.A. I've never felt more alive and scared in my life. Alive because this is where TV and film magic take place and the stars live, and scared because the other half of the population that lives here is made up of tourists and hobos. Five minutes on Hollywood Boulevard is enough to to turn the most relaxed and accepting person into a full fledged racist. Like even Gandhi would have a problem. He'd be like (in a strong Indian accent) "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my way. You stupid, stupid person. Your CD means nothing to me. Don't you know that that theater is not really Chinese?" Stuff like that. (L.A. Tour Fact #1: Did you know that Grauman's Chinese Theater is the only movie establishment in the world that sells chicken fried rice instead of popcorn?) 

The first night there I went to the Universal Studios City Walk. That was pretty cool. It's just restaurants and overpriced shops, but hey, it's the universal experience: throngs of people, live music, and food. I had a good time. Saturday is when I took the van tour of L.A. and "saw" all of the celebrity houses. I took a lot of good front gate shots. Lots of good hedge shots. That was also when I saw the Hollywood sign and had lunch at The Grove. Those were two cool things.

After that tour, I rested and came back to Hollywood Boulevard because I'm a masochist. Also, I had to take ten thousand more pictures of the Walk of Fame with my feet and/or someone else's feet in the shot. (L.A. Tour Fact #2: I jut invented and app that will automatically crop your or someone else's feet out of any picture that you take on the Walk of Fame. Look for it in Google Play and the App Store. It's called L.A. Feet Delete.)

Next, I went to Meltdown Comics. That's where the Nerdist Podcast started. That's basically ground zero of my podcast life. Now, what I should have done was plan to go and research what was going on there before I arrived. The day of, I found out that they were taping episodes of the TV show 'The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail' there. So I just showed up and got to look around the store while minor celebrities and comedians stood outside and walked right by me. I was really excited. I can finally put a face to the store that I've heard so much about. 

After that, I went to the Comedy Store. It's not actually a store; it's more of a breeding ground for comedians that has so much history rooted in it that I believe it's haunted. That was awesome. Not as cool as the Comedy Cellar, but still really nice. I got to see one of my favorite comedians, Marc Maron. He even looked directly at me at one point. My only problem with sitting towards the front of the theater is that you have to always look like you're smiling and enjoying the show, or the comedian will pick on you. It's just not feasible for me to smile that long. My jaw starts to hurt. If you've ever seen me, my natural face is resting Bitch face. Don't worry, I smile, I just do it with my eyes. People never know that I'm really enjoying something. And that's ok, I guess.

The day after that, I went to Universal Studios and rode every ride because I whined to a park worker who went and got me three fast pass tickets. I don't do lines (except coke!). The backlot tour is amazing. Go and do it!

Overall, I liked L.A. a lot. It's just a very intimidating and spread out place to work or live. I can not imagine starting out there. I'd get lost and wind up in the bad part of L.A., or as I call it, Hollywood/Sunset Boulevard. You want pawn shops? They've got pawn shops!

Next week it's all over. I get to finally join the family business of collecting unemployment checks.  Everything is temporary and nothing lasts, so I think I'll be ok. I don't know. Let's wait and see. Peace!

You See Irvine, I See San Diego

Well, I've been here a week. So far, I'm sold. I love everything about California, from the beach to the traffic. Because there are so many cars and it's just like "Where are you going? Do you actually have work to do? I don't know how you get work done here. The weather is way too nice." 

I traveled to San Diego, just to have a quick look around. And as soon as I got there, I was blown away by the breezes from the bay. No, but seriously, I need to bulk up. I weigh about 130 lbs soaking wet. All joking aside, San Diego is a new favorite city of mine. It is very livable, very friendly, and there's a bail bonds store on every corner, just incase you have too much fun in the Gaslamp District. 

I biked across Coronado Island from the bay to the coast. I haven't ridden a bike in a couple years. But riding a bike is a lot like 9/11; you never forget.  I still opted for a helmet, because hey, I'm handling precious cargo here! You should think as highly of me as I do. It would make my life easier. Although, let's be honest. That's not possible.

My job has made me so busy here that I haven't been able to do much on the weeknights, except max my credit card out at dinner. But that's ok, right? I mean, it's only money. 

For now, I'm stuck in Irvine. But this weekend, I'm LA bound. And I know one thing; I'm ready for Los Angeles. The only question is, is it ready for me? 

P.S. I was wrong. They do have clouds here.  

LA: Part 1

I did it! I have arrived. I hopped off the plane at L.A.X., with my team and my ticket in hand. Welcome to land of famous acts, am I gonna fit in? 

Little known fact: when you walk off the plane they hand you head shots. I didn't know that. It's a nice touch. Now, me in California is a bad idea, because I just walk around acutely alert of my surroundings, constantly asking and pointing at people "Are they famous? Are they famous? What would I know them from? How many IMDB credits do they have?" I literally have not blinked since we got here. 

Being here for business is different from being here for pleasure. For one thing, I have no time during the day to do fun things. But at night, anything is fair game. Of course, that's when I'm sleeping, but still... 

I am going to really enjoy my time here in California. Don't ask me to move out here because I will do it, no questions asked. They are going to have to drag me kicking and screaming back on to the plane in three weeks. But until then, you can catch me flying down the 405 with my Oakleys on. Peace!

Coughing and Laughing

Guess what? I don't know how, and I don't know why, and I don't know when, and I don't know where, but I have contracted strep throat. Throatus streptococcus, if you prefer Latin. (Side note: Streptococcus is my favorite type of dinosaur. Mostly a leaf eater but not afraid to eat a fish every once in a while. It's admirable.) On Friday, the doctor told me the news, but because of my 100 degree fever, I thought she said "strip throat." (Bow chicka wow wow!) I'm just kidding! The doctor was a man. 

So I've been resting pretty much all weekend, except when I left the house to infect a bunch of people in a class or on a plane. Life doesn't stop fighting on just because my immune system did. All week I thought it was indigestion. Turns out I was wrong, I'll admit it.  Don't worry, I'm on a heavy dose of vitamin C, Motrin, and penicillin, or Salkus pillus, if you prefer Latin. So I'll be guzzling pills for the next week or so. I feel like one of Bill Cosby's lady friends, drinking a Cosbypolitan. (A Cosbypolitan is just a regular Cosmopolitan that has been garnished with the date rape drug.)

Listen, I'll get better. I'll recover. Right now I'm kind of sluggish. But I'll get there. I'm doing more improv, always a high point of my week. I'm writing stuff here and elsewhere, I'm working, and I'll record another episode of  Mono a Monotone later this week. Good stuff is happening. Open your eyes to the world around you. I'll leave you with this: If you really think about it, a baker thinks that every day is Pi Day.

Spring Forward

This past weekend, we turned the clocks forward and started daylight savings time again. The good news is that my clock in the car is finally right. The bad news is that we lost an hour of precious time. I love my own time to relax and unwind. The one thing that I hate most is when people waste my time. I value my time almost as much as I value myself. The list goes me, my time, and like Chipotle or something. Those are my top three favorite things. 

Anyway, we "sprung forward" this Sunday, just as Ben Franklin intended it. Although I don't know if I agree with old Ben on this one. One too many electric shocks to head, if you catch my drift. It just doesn't make sense to me. Who needs a longer summer night and more light in the morning during the winter? Not this guy. I don't care about it.

Have a good week. Adjust to the time change. You've done it before, I suspect. This week will be busy for me, but I do all of my living on the weekends, so it's ok. Spring is coming soon, and I can't wait. The stupid groundhog was right. This winter even I was afraid of my own shadow. See ya next week.

Improv

For the past 8 weeks, I have been taking an Improv 101 class. Improv 101 is the beginner level of improv comedy taught through a theatre. Improv comedy is comedy that is made up right on the spot, live, in front of an audience. There are usually 2 or more performers creating scenes that all relate to a suggestion that someone from the audience gave  them. It's very fun, but for me, it's also very tricky.

I've done improv before. This is not my first rodeo. But be that as it may, I've always had a love/hate relationship with improv. I love it, but I'm not great at it. Now usually, I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm the best at everything. But with improv, it's like, I've always been consistently mediocre. Now, I don't want no mediocre, I want to be great. That's why I'm taking a class. I want to get better. 

Have I gotten better? I guess that's the question. Well, yes, and I really the enjoyed the class. I am excited to see how much better I have gotten. I learned more this time around. 

The class show is this Sunday. Wish me luck. I going to try to have fun with it. I think it'll go well. My class gels together in a way that excites me and terrifies me at the same time. Just please, no more suggestions of "the zoo."

How Far Is Heaven?

Lately, I've been thinking about death. Not in a bad way. And I'm not talking about the one from Family Guy. I'm talking about the end all, be all. The final frontier. The last nail in the coffin. I'm not trying to scare you or worry you. I'm trying to keep things light (without going towards the light). 

When I first thought about death, like really realized it as something that happens, I was on the golf course during the summer of 2010. It was the middle of the 18th hole (my score's time of death was hole 3) and I was walking down the fairway when it hit me (the idea, not a golf ball) that I was going to die one day.. Ever since then, it nags me on and off. We are like an old married couple (Does that count as necrophilia?). 

Most people deal with death by using religion. I was raised as a conservative Jew but became a mixture of reform and conservative (reformative?) (conservaform?) after my Bar Mitzvah (like most Jews). I guess I'm agnostic, or borderline atheist. Religion comforts us and makes us feel safe and taken care of (much like a Snuggie ©®™). I can't tell you what to believe. This is 'Murica, and it's your God-given right to choose that for yourself. 

But what about Heaven? What about Hell? What about Limbo (my favorite Bar Mitzvah game)? Are they real? Do they exist? I don't know. That's why we are here. To find out. I like to imagine that when we "pass on," we all get let in on the secret that is this whole cosmic joke. So until then, I guess we are left in the dark. I believe it was this curiosity that killed the cat. 

Billiards and Bullshit!

I thought, for this week, I'd tell you a story. I spent a couple of weeks in Salt Lake Shitty... err, I mean City... and it was very interesting, to say the least. You have to love Jesus, white people,  and panhandling bums, or as I like to call it, church. At night, the streets are about as energetic as I am (not very). But, one night, two other people and I went out to our favorite dive bar, and that's when we ran into the pool shark. 

A dive bar is titled as such because it has a pool (table). But there's no lifeguard on duty. It's sink or swim for you, based on your abilities. The drinks are cheap, just like the people. It smells like alcohol and failure. So naturally, that's where you would find three friends relaxing after a long day, and one hoodie wearing crack-fiend huddled in the corner. 

You what? You forgot your beer? That's your excuse for coming back to the table to watch us play pool? Um, it's ok, but I've heard better. Sure, you can have the next game. Wait? Why did you take your jacket off?

This guy then started to bounce and rack the balls with the intensity of an expert pool player. Why are you dancing around the table on your tippy toes? He then broke the triangle of balls and proceeded to beat my friend, while goofing around and trying to let him win by playing with one hand behind his back. Oh you fancy, huh? 

My brother watched this happen and was like "I can take him." Famous last words, based on how this long-haired LSD doer played last time and how my brother played all night. My brother actually played this meth head in a game of pool while tipsy. But here's the strange part. This drugged-out wackjob broke and then my brother proceeded to run the table, i.e. made every shot, until he had only the eight ball left. This startled our hooded acquaintance, who then focused up, and had to make every shot from there on out, which he did because, don't forget, he's a pool shark. But it was still amazing!!!!

We quickly realized that we had gained the respect of this weirdo because he wouldn't stop telling us that we had. I think it was then that he offered us weed for the first time. We said "No," finished our beers, and then tried to leave without this guy, but he followed us out. He told us that we were always welcome in his city, if we ever came back. Um, this city belongs to Mormom Jesus, not you, you idiot. Also "No," we don't want weed, but thanks for the second offer. 

As we walked away, though, I realized something: the long hair, him telling us it's his city, the offers of weed. That was Mormon Jesus!!!!! I quickly spun around to see him again, but he was gone. Damn!! I wanted to ask him things, maybe get his autograph. But he was gone. We missed it. I walked back sad, drunk, and confused. But I was changed for the better. And that's the story of the time we were hustled at pool by Mormon Jesus.

Valenwine's Day

Valentine's Day is this Saturday. To people like me, that means nothing. I'm single. But to people who are not single, it means a lot of romantic dinners. When I think of a romantic dinner, I picture a full bottle of fancy wine. That's fine. When I picture a single person, I also think of a bottle of wine, but this time it's at home, the person is alone, and  they are trying to drown their feelings of loneliness. Except that drinking a bottle of wine alone is not a good idea. There are 5 stages to drinking a bottle of wine. 

Stage 1: Denial. "I'm not going to drink this whole bottle of wine. No way. Nuh uh. Nope. Not gonna do it!! I have to be up in the morning."

Stage 2: Anger. "Somebody take this f***ing bottle of wine away. It's half empty. I can't drink the whole God damn thing by myself Ahhh!!!" (Throws wine glass at wall and shatters it.)

Stage 3: Bargaining. (New wine glass in hand.) "Are you there God? It's me, Charlie. I will never drink again, ever. All I need from you is to be given the strength to resist these last two glasses of this bottle of wine. Ok? We good?"

Stage 4: Depression. (Starting to slur words.) "You know what? I don't really have anything going for me, do I? No, no I don't. I really don't want to finish this last glass of wine. I can't. I'm tired and need to go to bed. But I can't get off the couch. Nothing matters. I could easily throw myself down the stairs."

Stage 5: Acceptance. (Heavily slurring words.) "Hey. Look!! I finished the bottle. What an accomplishment! I've done what I set out to do, and I did it all by myself. I'm gonna go to bed now." (Stands up and falls back down, passed out.) 

That's how it's goes. Happy Valentine's Day!! 

Your Weekly Update

There's a lot going on right now, so let's get started. Yesterday was the Super Bowl. I'm going to assume that you saw it and that you don't live under a rock. (Although, I do have a surprising number of readers who actually live under rocks. That's my target demographic!) It was one of the best Super Bowls that I've seen in recent years. Two evenly matched teams played against each other and it was great. The commercials were pretty good. All in all, it really put the "super" in Super Bowl.

Today is Groundhog Day. Today is Groundhog Day. I've already written on here about my thoughts on letting a Groundhog guess the weather, but to sum it up, it's about as correct as letting a person guess the weather. Six more weeks of winter? I could have told you that, and that's only because I know how to read a calendar.

Moving forward, I am going to be recording my very own podcast called Mono A Monotone, located on this very site. Look out for that. One episode is already up. The rest will be a little different, as I have figured out what I want to do on it.

This is really all I have for you guys today. I'm sorry. I'll have more next week.  Peace out!!